


Staccato

by Michael_Ackart



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Anxiety, Bottom!Shepard, Earthborn (Mass Effect), Explicit Sexual Content, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, ME 1 relationship, ME 2 spoilers, Nightmares, PTSD, Top!Kaidan, custom Shepard - Freeform, pre-ME 3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-04
Updated: 2015-09-12
Packaged: 2018-02-16 04:21:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 35,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2255673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Michael_Ackart/pseuds/Michael_Ackart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard willingly turns himself in to the Alliance after eradicating the Collectors from their base. Feeling guilty for what happened on Horizon, Kaidan tries to apologize and rekindle what they had before the attack. But the damage done to Shepard runs deeper than a few bad bruises and Kaidan is the only one who can see past his defenses and help him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't what I intended when I started but I like how it's turning out. This is unrelated to any other Cal Shepard fics I have. Enjoy
> 
> March 2017: I've cleaned this entire story up and tweaked small things to make it better align with Cal's personality since he still wasn't fully developed at the time I started this. Thanks for reading
> 
> I exist at **gaycalshepard.tumblr.com**

It'd been a week since Shepard returned to the Alliance. The Collector base was destroyed, his partnership with the Illusive Man terminated. The Normandy was grounded immediately and the commander was put under constant surveillance. If he’d been anyone else, they’d have court martialed him. But destroying Sovereign in 2183—and Anderson’s vouch for him—helped.

Seven days Cal had spent on Earth now and Kaidan was on his way to see him. They hadn’t spoken in person since that day on Horizon. Shepard sent him a message before going through the Omega 4 relay and he responded, but the communication stopped there. It hurt Kaidan to walk away, despite it being the right choice, and he knew he hurt Cal too. He turned Cal away when the man needed his support—but it was Cerberus. After the horrible things they witnessed, it was impossible for him to work for them no matter how 'noble' the cause was.

But guilt still gnawed at him whenever the other man entered his thoughts. He still loved Cal, didn't know what he would’ve done if the Collectors had done anything to him again. Would Shepard be happy to see him or would he shut the door in his face? It made him nervous. A small part of him wanted to turn right around but his desire to see the man he missed so much overpowered that.

He hesitated just a moment in front of the door.

“Who is it?” a voice crackled over the comm.

He took a deep breath. “It's me, Cal.”

Nothing happened for one very long second. But then the door slid open and revealed the commander—technically _ex_ -commander.

Any words that thought of forming froze in Kaidan’s chest and he barely stammered out the other’s name.

“Why are you here?” Shepard asked, his tone firm and almost cold. There was no anxiety or hesitation in _his_ voice.

“I...wanted to see you.”

“To see me or make sure the Alliance is keeping me on a tight enough leash?”

He frowned. “No. I missed y-” He stopped when a glare suddenly bored into him.

But then Shepard moved aside and grunted, “Five minutes.”

Kaidan walked inside quickly, before Cal changed his mind. It was much longer than he expected. He awkwardly stood just inside the doorway and glanced around the apartment. “I...so this is where they’re keeping you, huh?”

“Apparently so. They grounded the Normandy. I’ve been relieved of duty and put under constant surveillance. It’s ‘for my protection’ in case Cerberus wants revenge for me leaving. Right.”

“Are there cameras in here?”

“Heh, no. I've already scoured the place, not like I have much else to do. But they monitor everyone who visits, every call I make. Save the colonies from the Collectors, get treated like a criminal.”

“They probably just want to be cautious. You were working with Cerberus, any other soldier would’ve been tried and discharged.”

The corner of Shepard’s lips twitched but not in any sort of amused way. More like he was biting back a growl. “Guess I’m just lucky then.”

But really, for the circumstances he’d been thrown into, Cal kinda was. Kaidan wasn’t about to say that though, he really didn't want his head bitten off.

“It’s good to see you in one piece.”

“Yeah, well, knew no one was gonna bring me back from the dead a second time around.”

“I read the reports. I...wow, Cal. No one else could’ve done what you did. And...I’m just so glad to see you alive.”

Shepard watched him with a steady gaze as he fumbled over his words. He leaned against the nearby wall. “I didn’t think you cared.”

His eyes narrowed in pain. “I’ll always care about you. How can you even say that?”

“Probably the same way you said those things on Horizon,” he snapped. “Why are you here, Kaidan? Really, what’s left to say?”

“Cal, come on. What happened there...what was I supposed to do, okay? Dead for two years then suddenly you show up and say you’re with Cerberus—a terrorist organization we fought _multiple_ times. How could I know that it was you? Really, truly you. Can you blame me?”

Shepard glared at him and took a few steps closer. “The others trusted me. Everyone but you believed in me! I needed you, Kaidan, and you turned me away.”

The sound of Shepard's cracked voice begging him to come with him haunted Kaidan every day. “What do you want me to say? Sorry for sticking to my convictions? You justified it by saying you were doing what was right, well, so was I. I am sorry you had to face the Collector base alone. But I'm here now and I know you weren't under the Illusive Man's control.”

“Hmph, only took me almost dying again to prove it. I don’t get why you came here. Two years is a long time, you moved on with your life before I showed up. You should just go...” He turned around and left him in shock.

“Cal, wait!” Kaidan nearly lunged at him, his hand grasping his shoulder, and made him face him again. “I’m sorry. And I-I want...us to...”

“It's not about what you just want.”

“Tell me what I can do.”

“I don’t...I don’t know, Kaidan. I don’t know if there’s anything you _can_ do.”

“No. No, don’t say that. Please.” He watched Shepard's glare soften just slightly.

“Just—stop. Before you embarrass yourself more.”

He shook his head. “No, Cal. I still...” Hands shoved him against the wall and he wondered if he was just imagining the fingers on his shoulders trembling.

“Don’t say it. Don’t you fucking dare, Kay. You don’t get the right anymore. Three years ago, I offered you everything I was and where has it gotten me? I was raised from the dead, immediately thrust into a battle with the Collectors. And you were on my mind constantly. But instead of the man I love being happy to see me, instead of him welcoming me back in his arms and fighting by my side again and telling me we could win this, he abandoned me. But hey, guess I didn’t need you after all, huh? I went on a suicide mission and brought my entire squad back alive. So don’t sit here and tell me you still care when you never trusted me. I moved on, it’s time you do the same.”

“Yeah, it really sounds like you have. You can say whatever you want, but I know you. If it’d been me asking you to join my Cerberus crew, you wouldn’t have. You would’ve tried to force me to stay.”

“You didn’t even do that. If you loved me so much, you would’ve given me a chance.”

A lump began forming in Kaidan's throat. He hadn’t known what to expect from this meeting, but he certainly didn’t mean to ask Cal to take him back as a lover. It was too soon, he knew that. They needed to work through these issues first. But he wanted to grab Shepard and hold him close and make him understand how sorry he was. “I think about it all the time. But the time we spent together before the...accident...was special to me. And I know it was special for you too. We can have that again.”

“No, Kay...we can’t. It's too different now. The two of us, we’ve changed.”

“But that part of our lives doesn't have to.”

“Stop making this even harder than it is. What we had is over.” It was getting more difficult to keep his resolve but Shepard needed to do this. It would ultimately be better this way. “Now, I’m pretty sure it’s been longer than five minutes. I think you should go.”

Shepard was still standing close. If he just reached his hand out a little... “Fine. I'll see you again sometime.”

Once he was gone, Cal slumped back against the wall and hit it with a dull thump. He stilled loved Kaidan so much but Shepard was too damaged now and fixing things would be too exhausting. He needed to just be alone. His eyes closed as he focused on the air entering and leaving his lungs. It left him a moment later when a loud bang went off in another apartment. He flinched wildly in terror before grabbing for the gun that wasn’t there. Of course it wasn’t, ex-Cerberus couldn’t own weapons.

Ex-Cerberus.

Because he was on Earth.  
Not back at the Collector base, in dark corridors that stretched on forever. He was safe.

He laughed at loud at the thought. _Safe_ but jumping at every sound, terrified every time whoever was next door made a thump. If he was so safe, why could he still feel himself in that base fighting through an army of warped Protheans? Why did he hear bullets whiz by his head or see that giant human Reaper lurk above him every time he closed his eyes? He never slept anymore and on the rare occasion his body did give out, nightmares destroyed any attempt at rest. He couldn’t remember what they were about but when he woke he gasped for breath, his blood ran cold, and the entire room felt like it was closing in on him.

And that was just in the one week he’d been back on Earth.

What was wrong with him? He fought bloodthirsty mercenaries, mind controlled aliens, and escaped death on a near daily basis. But he was this shaken up by a few bad dreams and loud noises? He smacked a palm against his forehead and berated himself. His hand slid down to touch the solid metal pendant resting against his sternum. His fingers brushed the smooth surface, pressing the cool metal into his skin. He closed his eyes and tried to drown out the images he saw with the memory of how he acquired this necklace.

A gift from Kaidan, just before their friendship evolved into a relationship. It was his birthday, before Ilos or Virmire or the Reapers. He kept it quiet, considering what they were dealing with. But a couple people knew and that turned into the entire crew finding out. They had a small stretch time so the Commander let himself be convinced to take a day of shore leave on the Citadel. His friends and crew surprised him with a party.

It reminded him of his years spent on Earth, when he was young and wild and without a care in the world. That part of him still existed all these years later and it was good to let it run free.

And after that party was over, Kaidan invited him to spend a night together in one of the hotel rooms. It was nice. They shared a bottle of wine and more than a few stories. Each man already knew he harbored feelings for the other, but that was one secret they still kept to themselves for just a little bit longer. When the alcohol ran dry and the night grew late, Kaidan pulled out a small box.

“You got me a gift?” Shepard asked him. He hadn't wanted anything, spending time with his friends was enough. But it still made his stomach flutter.

“Yeah, I mean, I know you said not to get anything but I saw this and thought of you. It...it’s silly but...”

Shepard grinned. Seeing Kaidan like this was cute and reinforced all the feelings he had for him. “I’m sure I’ll like it.” He stretched his hand out and the older man placed the black box in his palm. He could feel, rather than see, the amber eyes watching him nervously.

Shepard opened it and chuckled. “Ha, you remembered!” Then he pulled out a necklace. The chain was sturdy and on it hung a metal pendant, the weight solid in his hand. A treble clef. Because he had told Kaidan how important music and drawing were to him living on Earth. He'd spend nights with his best friend drawing pictures or with Ryan teaching him how to read music. A stolen keyboard also indirectly led him to the Reds. Even on the Normandy, Kaidan usually caught Cal singing hushed songs to himself.

“Yeah, I...it’s cheesy, huh?”

“No, Kaidan, it isn’t. Thank you. Help me put it on?”

The lieutenant stood and went behind his friend. He clasped it for him then let his fingers brush softly against Cal's neck. When their eyes met again, Shepard had almost kissed him in that moment. But he didn't. Instead they smiled, each knowing that it would happen very soon.

Shepard went to sleep that night feeling more content than he had in a very long time.

But three years later and Shepard was alone and frightened. Ask him to take out an army of Geth or Collectors? He was on it. Force him to be alone with his thoughts after the battle was over? He was a fucking wreck. He’d give anything to escape the images that haunted him. But he hated himself for it, for this weakness. No one else could ever discover how far Commander Shepard had fallen. People needed to see that the Reapers were coming and they wouldn’t listen if the man who fought them was crazy. He was strong, he was unshakable, and he would bury these feelings through any means necessary.


	2. Chapter 2

Almost two week passed since Kaidan's first visit to Shepard's apartment. After their conversation, he decided to give Cal some space. But once he decided it was long enough, he tried contacting him again. That was four days ago. He knew Shepard might just want nothing to do with him but he didn’t want to give up so soon. It would take time to repair things. He decided to go to Anderson to talk about it.

“I talked to Shepard a couple days ago, Commander,” Anderson told him.

“Oh. Uh, how’d he sound?” he asked. Anderson was probably the only person he could ask but it still made him uncomfortable.

“Exhausted but that’s expected. He’s had a rough year—few years, all things considered. Other than that, he seemed okay.” He understood Alenko’s concern. He’d been there when Kaidan nearly lost himself to grief and knew of their relationship. “Have you seen him since Horizon?”

“I went to his apartment a couple weeks ago. He...told me not to come again. I gave him some time before now he's not answering my messages.”

“Maybe it just hasn’t been long enough. He’s doing alright, Kaidan.”

“That’s what worries me. He’s been through hell and back, should anyone be fine after that?” Cal was strong, he knew that. He was confident and determined and capable of tough decisions. But Kaidan also knew the other side of Shepard. The side that did have doubts and fears, the one Kaidan spent time comforting and reassuring during the cold empty nights in space. Cal could lock his emotions away and make the tough decisions that were sometimes necessary but he'd always openly shown his emotions to Kaidan. And he loved that side of Cal too. It showed he was just as human as the rest of them—no matter how much some people wanted to say otherwise.

“We’re not talking about just anyone though, are we? This is Commander Shepard. We both know how much he's dealt with in his life. If anyone can handle the shit he’s been through, it’s him.”

But Kaidan knew better, he knew Cal better than anyone else did.

“He’s supposed to meet with the board tomorrow to continue their discussion about Cerberus. Even if you were allowed in, I wouldn't invite you because of how Shepard would most likely react to your presence.”

“Okay,” he grumbled.

“However...you can wait outside the room until we’re done. What happens after the meeting is between you two.” The only reason Anderson did it was because he knew how much Kaidan still meant to Shepard, how much he missed him, how he begged to know where Kaidan was stationed when he was still working for the Illusive Man.

“Thanks, Anderson. I just...I feel terrible about what I did.”

“I know. But you were doing what you thought was best. Cerberus is bad. I didn't tell him you were on Horizon because I had no idea if the Illusive Man was somehow manipulating him.”

“I should’ve understood,” he whispered. “What time’s the meeting?”

“11 am, here in my office. I can’t see it taking longer than an hour.”

“Alright, I’ll be waiting. I appreciate it.”

“Sure thing, Kaidan.”

The next morning, Kaidan sat himself near Anderson’s office at 11:05. The door was closed and he assumed the meeting already started. All night he spent planning for a hundred different reactions from Cal and began running through each one again. He hoped the meeting wouldn't take the full hour. But only a short time passed before the door opened. It couldn't be done so quickly...?

Anderson and another soldier emerged. The young man ran off while Anderson approached Kaidan. “Have you seen him?” the Admiral asked.

“Shepard? No.”

“Yes. He should’ve been here fifteen minutes ago. I tried calling but he hasn’t answered the comm.”

Kaidan frowned and stood up. Cal wasn't a punctual man sure, but to be this late to the meeting seemed strange since he'd been nothing but cooperative during his return. “That’s not like him.”

A couple minutes later, the soldier called Anderson. “He’s not answering, sir. No one’s seen him leave since yesterday afternoon.”

He sighed. “Damn it, Shepard. Alright, have the guard hack the door open.”

Kaidan glanced at him worriedly. He knew the older man felt uneasy too. “I should go over-“

“No, Kaidan. The last thing I need is you aggravating him.” They both waited very impatiently for the next call.

“Sir, we found the commander. He’s passed out and looks like he hit his head when he fell. Wound doesn’t look too deep though. The medic's already been called to take him next door.”

Anderson didn’t need to look over to know Kaidan wore a wild expression on his face. “Okay, I’ll meet the doctor down there.” He barely hung up when the other commander was on him.

“Anderson-”

“I know. Come on, let’s get to the hospital.”

Kaidan racked his brain for reasons why a person would just pass out. None of them were good. Maybe something went wrong when Cerberus put him back together, he had numerous implants that could’ve malfunctioned. Did he eat bad food that made him sick and he fell from exhaustion? Or…was it something else? Each minute it took to walk to the next building over made his anxiety grow and the images in his head worse. A nurse approached Anderson once they finally arrived.

“Hello, Admiral. They said you’d be coming for Commander Shepard,” the woman said. “The doctor is in with him now, I’ll show you the way to his room.” She glanced at Kaidan. “This way please.”

The three entered the room where the doctor examined Shepard, who was still out. The woman greeted them quickly before jumping into the explanation. “He wasn't out long before you found him. I have some blood samples being processed, the results should be ready in a couple minutes. The wound on his head isn't deep, the medi-gel will take care of it.” Her omni-tool pinged and she read off the results. “Looks like he passed out from too much alcohol. He'll be fine.”

Kaidan didn’t like the sound of that at all. Why was Cal drinking so much at eleven in the morning? And the amount of liquor consumed…Shepard was no lightweight. Hell, how did he even get alcohol? “When’s he going to wake up?”

“I’m going to give him something to speed up the process. He can sleep after he’s released, preferably under supervision for today.” She left a minute later to fetch the medication.

Kaidan turned to Anderson once they were alone. “Are you sending a message to the admirals?”

“I did on the way to hospital. You didn’t notice?”

No, he didn’t. He must’ve been too overwhelmed with anxiety.

“What do you make of this, Commander?”

“I-I don’t know, sir. But it’s 11:30 am and he’s passed out drunk.”

“The doctor said he should be under supervision today.”

“I can do it. I'll stay here and wait for him to wake up.”

“Is that really wise?”

“He's going to be upset and grumpy no matter what. I can handle him though.”

“Alright, I’ll leave you to it. Message me later. Don't tell him that I plan on talking to him about this tomorrow.”

“Yeah…of course, sir.”

Once the couple was alone, Kaidan pulled a chair up to Shepard’s bed. He sat down, suddenly feeling very tired. The doctor returned with a syringe in hand. “Give this ten minutes, he'll be up. He’ll be groggy but you two can go home after that. Like I said earlier, it’s best if someone accompanies him for the day.”

“I’ll be with him.”

“Perfect. A nurse will be back once he wakes up.”

“Thanks, doc” he said then watched her leave the room again.

Knowing this would probably be the only opportunity, Kaidan reached out to hold Cal’s hand. His free one went to his hair and brushed through it. It was grown out a little longer than he'd kept it on the SR-1.

“What’s going on, Cal?” he said quietly. “I wish you would tell me.”

Even with his eyes closed, he could still see how exhausted and worn the man looked. His 'suicide mission' had taken its toll. Once Shepard began to stir, he stood up anxiously. A pair of tired and confused eyes slowly peeked open.

“Hey, Cal. How you feeling?” Kaidan said.

“Head hurts. Kay…where am I?” he asked groggily.

“The hospital. You got a scratch on your head, that's why it hurts.”

“Mm.” He struggled to remember for a moment before some of it came back. “Why are you here?” he asked, voiced hardened.

Kaidan sighed. “Cal, please I'm begging you—just shut up for a minute, okay?” He ran soothing fingers through his hair again.

Shepard tensed and thought about telling him off, but then visibly relaxed into the touch. Hair brushing was one of his favorite things. “Fine...but only for a minute.”

“You want to tell me what happened?”

“No.”

Cal sat still for a moment before slowly reaching his hand out. Kaidan grabbed it immediately. “The nurse will be here soon. The doc wants someone to stay with you for the day.”

“Course she does.” He let go of Kaidan and sat up, a sour look returning to his face. “No need. I drank too much, it happens.”

“At eleven in the morning? Cal, Cal, listen to me.” He placed a hand on his knee and green eyes stared at it. “You can tell me what’s going on. I want to help you get through whatever it is.”

“You can’t help me, Kaidan. I…you can’t.”

“Please-”

“Stop. I just, I wanna get out of here. Damn hospitals.” He stood, legs wobbling when he did. His hands reached out by instinct and Kaidan immediately reacted. “Fucking hell,” he grumbled.

“Cal-”

“I’m fine.”

“Can you make it back to the apartment alright?”

“Yeah. You know, you don’t need to come with me. I’d prefer if you didn’t.”

“Too bad, doctor’s orders.” He watched Shepard rub his head and suddenly he looked in a lot of pain. “What’s wrong?”

“My head is killing me.”

“Want me to ask the doctor for pain killers?”

“No. Er, yeah. Yeah.”

Kaidan walked into the hallway and found a nurse. She also brought the papers to sign off on his release. Kaidan messaged Anderson before returning to the room and he tried to keep a subtle eye on Shepard as they left.

“Have you been sleeping?” he asked. Shepard looked too exhausted for him not to already know the answer.

He stayed silent a moment. “Yeah.”

An obvious lie but he didn’t push. Not right now. “What about food? Are you hungry or anything?”

“Nah. I was supposed to have a meeting with Anderson today.”

“I know. He was here earlier but I told him I’d stay and go home with you.”

“How’d you even know I was here?”

“Oh, uh, I talked to Anderson yesterday and he told me about the meeting. I wasn’t allowed in but he said I could wait outside.”

“You’re stalking me now?” he said but Kaidan swore there was a hint of amusement.

“You weren’t answering my messages.”

“Guess you can’t take a hint.”

Kaidan sighed and held back his tongue. He couldn't argue but he wondered how long it'd be before he did have to speak up.

“I just want to go to bed,” he continued. “My eyes feel like they’re gonna pop out of my skull. You know how it is.”

“Yeah, I do.”

The rest of their short trip was spent in very awkward silence. He knew Shepard wanted him to leave but that wasn’t going to happen. He was really worried about him because Cal was obviously not okay. He hoped he could break through to him and talk about whatever was wrong.

Back at the apartment, Shepard headed straight for the bedroom without a word. Now alone, Kaidan walked over to the couch and collapsed onto it, telling himself to check on Cal in a little while. They had the rest of the day to themselves—Anderson sent an email saying he’d be by Shepard’s in the morning. He wondered if Cal was this snappy with him too or if his attitude was reserved only for Kaidan.

The couch felt like a block of rock but he couldn't find it in himself to care as his eyes closed. He felt mentally exhausted since…well, for the last three years. That was why it didn’t take him long to fall asleep.

When Kaidan came around, he momentarily forgot where he was. All he knew was that his neck ached and sunlight beamed on him from all the open windows.

Oh. Cal’s apartment.

He pushed himself up, now regretting his chosen place to rest. He listened for any sounds or movement but heard nothing so he went over to the hallway. There were a few doors but one was slightly ajar and when he glanced inside, there lay Shepard. He didn't move when Kaidan opened the door but he was awake and staring at some arbitrary point on the ceiling.

“What?” he grumbled.

“Just checking on you,” he yawned. “Did you get any sleep?”

“No, but it sounds like you did.”

“Yeah, I…didn’t mean to. It's brighter than the sun in here, no wonder you can't sleep.” He started towards the windows. “I’ll close the curtains-”

“No!”

The sudden unexpected panic in Cal’s voice made Kaidan freeze mid-step. He turned to him, surprise etched on his face. “What-”

Cal quickly regained control of himself and cut him off. “I don’t need you in here like a goddamn nurse. Just...fucking go away, Kaidan. Really, why are you here?”

He frowned, he was growing tired of Cal’s attitude. Couldn’t Shepard see that he was trying? Couldn’t he reciprocate even a tiny bit? Kaidan hadn’t come out of the last couple years unscathed. Why did Cal refuse to give him even the slightest chance? Maybe Kaidan was selfish but he thought he deserved _something._ They stared at each other. The best way to deal with Shepard was honestly and he finally said everything that was on his mind.

“You know, you’re not the only one who was hurt. What about me? You _died_. I lost the best thing I’ve ever had and I felt fucking hollow for a long time, I think I still do. I hated myself for abandoning you on the Normandy. If I stayed then maybe we both could’ve made it to the escape pod in time and if not…I would’ve died with you. And I would’ve been okay with that because at least I tried. Then I did what I thought was best on Horizon, even though it killed me inside. Cerberus are terrorists. And you’re lying if you say they _didn’t_ consider putting some sort of control chip in you or manipulating you into being their puppet. I had to put my feelings for you aside to do what was right. But it ended up with you alone and for that I am sorry. I would do anything to change the situation but I can’t. But now you're back and you know I’ll do anything for you. Stop acting like you’re the only one who went through any sort of pain. Fuck you, Cal. I love you. Let me help you.”

Kaidan’s body was tense as he stared at Shepard. Cal held eye contact a moment longer before rolling onto his side, face now masked. Kaidan waited for…anything. But Cal didn’t say a word. He sighed, disappointed that he couldn’t get through to the other man., and started to slowly walk away. But before he could make it out the door, he heard the quietest of sounds. A soft cry. Maybe he was hallucinating but…Kaidan frowned and approached him. He leaned down beside him and watched tears spill from Cal’s eyes.

Kaidan tried to brush them away. It was pointless, more quickly replaced them. Cal’s hand shakily reached for him and Kaidan grabbed it. He kissed his fingers softly and listened to Shepard cry.

“Kaidan…”

“It’s okay, Cal. You’ll be okay. I promise.” He leaned down and let his head rest on Shepard’s shoulder, not caring about the awkward position. He kept crying, an occasional 'Kaidan' sprinkled in there. After a few minutes, Kaidan sat up and brought his distraught boyfriend with him. It broke his heart seeing Cal like this, not knowing why this was happening or how to help. Shepard’s eyes were focused on the floor and tears still trailed down his face. He looked so broken that Kaidan felt overwhelmed with too many emotions. His own eyes began to sting and he wrapped Cal up tightly in a hug. Neither man said anything as they sat in each other's arm for the first time since Horizon and cried together.


	3. Chapter 3

Cal stared, but he wasn't really looking, out the open window. The view overlooking Vancouver was nice, but he didn’t noticed. His head was on Kaidan’s shoulder and his tears finally dried despite how damaged he still felt. They gazed at the bright blue sky together. The last time they sat like this had been two and a half years ago and instead of a city skyline, it’d been the black starry expanse of the Milky Way.

Things were far from fixed between the two and Cal wasn’t sure he could forgive Kaidan. The betrayal he felt every time he thought about Horizon threatened to overwhelm him. But he thought about what Kaidan said and tried to imagine their positions switched. What if it’d been Kaidan who stayed behind? What if Kaidan had died and Cal was left all alone? Shepard knew he would’ve cracked, become a hollowed out shell of his former self. He pictured Kaidan receiving the news that his lover never made it off the Normandy, imagined what Kaidan must’ve gone through the two years he was in a coma, how he must’ve blamed himself entirely for Shepard’s death.

His heart ached for Kaidan so much when he thought of those things.

But that just left him confused. Why had Kaidan reacted the way he did on Horizon? How come Garrus and Tali and Dr Chakwas were all able to put aside their feelings for Cerberus, trust in Shepard, and join his mission to stop the biggest threat to the galaxy while his own boyfriend couldn’t?

Kaidan abandoned him.

Kaidan abandoned him when he needed him the most.

Cal just couldn’t move past that. He needed him then but really, he needed him now too.

His focus returned to the window, the one he was so afraid of. He glanced at the ugly curtains he refused to close during the day but was terrified to leave open at night. He wondered how he could ever return to space—because as much as it killed him to admit, he was not fit for duty.

He was not strong or courageous, he possessed none of the traits others saw in him. This entire morning had proven that tenfold. He hated himself and after Horizon, he couldn't help think maybe Kaidan hated him too. But as Kaidan’s arm rested snugly around him, as Cal listened to his soft relaxed breathing, he knew that wasn’t fair. Kaidan had nothing to gain by being here with Shepard right now, with him spitting nothing but harsh words at him. Shepard knew the man’s desires were genuine. But still, he wished...

What did he wish? Did he want Kaidan to stay away? It certainly would’ve been easier to simply hate him and be angry and be left all alone to deal with these demons.

“Why couldn’t you just stay away?” he whispered softly.

“You already know why, Cal.”

The sound of Kaidan’s voice almost startled him—he hadn’t even realized he spoke aloud. He straightened and the movement caught Kaidan's eye. So many questions lingered on his tongue, Shepard knew that. But Cal didn’t know how to answer.

“Are you okay?”

He nearly laughed out loud. They both knew he was far, far away from being okay. And would he ever be? In a week, a month, a _year?_ Shepard didn’t know.

“I...” he began hesitantly. But then his empty stomach gurgled loudly and he clutched at it in embarrassment.

“...am hungry?” Kaidan finished.

“I guess.”

“I’ll find something to make you.”

Shepard sat alone for a minute before his anxiety creeped up on him so he wandered out into the main room.

“This place is kind of a mess,” Kaidan murmured from the kitchen.

“Yeah, well, cleaning ain't much of a priority when I’m drunk.”

But Kaidan was right. He began picking up the various objects he’d thrown or knocked over in his drunken stupor. A few minutes later he tossed himself onto the couch. He was so tired. Footsteps approached but he didn’t bother moving.

“Can you at least try to eat?” Kaidan asked.

“Yeh,” he mumbled and sat up. He picked at the sandwich Kaidan made him. His taste buds barely functioned at the moment and his appetite was practically non-existent. He’d been subsisting mostly on alcohol and candy bars these last few weeks. He glanced up as Kaidan wandered towards the window—so many fucking windows in the apartment. He stared out at the city for a few minutes while Cal ate what he could.

“Did Anderson say if he was coming by or what?” he finally asked, setting the sandwich remains on the table.

“Tomorrow morning,” Kaidan said and turned away from Vancouver. He didn't like how little he ate but said nothing.

“Fuckin' great.”

“You already know what he’s going to ask.”

“Yeah, he’s going to act like you and make a big deal out of nothing. I didn’t even drink that fucking much.”

“Except it is a big deal because you passed out and we both know you’re not a lightweight.”

Cal’s eyes narrowed and he looked away. He still didn’t look even when he felt the couch dip with Kaidan’s weight.

“You can talk to me.”

“I don’t know, can I?”

“What? Of-”

“Or are you just going to leave again?” Because that was what would happen. Kaidan would see how fucked up he was and turn his back on him again. Shepard still thought it’d be better that way.

When Kaidan didn't respond, he looked over and paused at the image that greeted him. Instead of anger, Cal saw guilt. Amber eyes were glued to the floor and his fingers dug into his own thighs. Shepard could feel Kaidan's pain almost as strongly as his own. And it was watching him, on the brink of his own mental breakdown, that he truly, _truly_ understood just how much Kaidan had suffered too.

“I’m not leaving this time.”

“...I know, Kay.”

“Whatever’s going on, I want to help you.”

“I’m too fucked up to help.”

Kaidan turned so he could face him fully. “Talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong. Tell me why you drank so much this morning.”

He shook his head. The words _‘I didn’t drink that much’_ were on the tip of his tongue but that seemed irrelevant. He hadn’t drank that much _today._

“Cal-”

“I shouldn’t be like this! And you, I-” _Am weak_. So, so weak. And he hated himself for feeling like that. He was Commander fucking Shepard and he should’ve been able to handle anything. How could he help anyone when he was too fucking scared to even look outside night? He didn’t realize his eyes screwed shut and his palm smacked against his forehead until another hand grabbed his wrist. He jumped in fear until he looked and saw Kaidan. Shepard quietly put his hands in his lap.

“You’ve been through a lot. You feeling like this is normal.”

“No, it’s not. It’s not normal to be terrified of the dark, to grab for my gun that I don't have whenever I hear a noise, to wake up panicked and gasping for air every night. I drank so I’d pass out and maybe get some undisturbed sleep. Turns out I can’t even do that right.

“Cal, what you did was terrifying. Nobody has your courage, your ability to lead a team into a suicide mission and survive. These feelings, your nightmares, you can work through them.” Kaidan was finally seeing just how traumatized Shepard’s mission through the Omega 4 relay left him.

“How will I ever command a ship again? I haven’t looked out at night since I got back. Just knowing that all that empty space is out there, I-” He took a deep breath, feeling fear beginning to prick through him. “I can still hear bullets flying by my head, see aliens running at me, and that reaper—oh god, that fucking reaper. I’m supposed to be strong, I’m supposed to be the first to jump into danger. But I can’t even take a shower without thinking something's sneaking up on me.” Shepard's heart pounded and he felt ashamed of this admission.

Kaidan scooted closer to him and slowly wrapped one arm behind his shoulders and another around his chest. “You are strong,” he whispered. “You are brave. Sometimes people fall—even you. You’ll get back up and it's okay to need help getting there.”

Cal said nothing as they sat together. Eventually Kaidan’s arm shifted and his rested on the younger man’s sternum. “What’s this?”

He bit his lip then pulled the pendant hiding beneath his shirt. He heard a small gasp.

“Is that...?”

Cal nodded. “When I woke up in that lab, I found it in a nearby locker. I couldn’t believe it but Miranda said it was the same one I was wearing when they found me.”

“You’ve kept it all this time.” He couldn’t help it as his fingers grabbed the pendent he bought for Shepard almost three years ago. The pad of his thumb traced along the metal as he thought back to that night. He remembered Shepard’s birthday perfectly and how the crew planned it as a surprise for him. By that time, Kaidan already knew he’d fallen hard for his commander. Despite how difficult hunting Saren was, now it seemed like such a simpler time.

One of Kaidan’s hands rested on his cheek. Cal could tell he was holding himself back. While fingers lightly brushed the side of his head, Shepard took in every one of Kaidan’s details—the light black stubble splashed across his face, the small scar on his lip, the whiskey eyes he adored. Without thinking, he leaned forward and pressed his lips to Kaidan’s. With permission now granted, he kissed Cal thoroughly, the way he yearned to for the last two and half years.

Shepard fell into the familiar motions quickly. It was the first thing in months that felt easy and normal. His eyes closed and the only thing he focused on was the mouth moving against his. The hand on his face moved to brush through his hair while the other rested on his shoulder. His own fingers clutched at Kaidan’s shirt, needing something to keep him anchored. He pulled back once he started feeling overwhelmed and immediately missed the warmth from their contact.

Kaidan’s fingers continued to comb through his hair. He realized he was near the spot that had been cut open not too long ago. “How’s your head feeling?”

He shrugged. “Starting to hurt again.”

“Do you want to take a walk? Some fresh air might be good for you.”

Shepard hesitated, biting the inside of his cheek as he thought about it.

“Come on. Seriously, you need some sunlight.”

“I’m gonna take a shower first.”

Kaidan expected him to be gone a while. They never had time to relax or laze about onboard the Normandy but one of Cal’s favorite things was a long hot shower. He started tidying up the man’s apartment but was surprised when Shepard emerged less than ten minutes later. His clothes were different and his hair was damp, then Kaidan remembered what he said earlier.

“Ready?” he asked.

Cal nodded. They walked out into the hall together, Shepard rolling his eyes when the constant guard stationed at the end of the hallway asked where he was going.

“Just a walk, babe,” he called to the soldier. “No need to get jealous.”

The man’s lips twitched but he wasn’t foolish enough to talk back to Commander Shepard. He simply took note of the time and remained at his post.

“Your _protection?_ ” Kaidan said once they were in the elevator.

“Something like that. It’s okay though, I’ve only given the best years of my life to the Alliance and saved the Citadel. No hard feelings.”

Kaidan understood Shepard’s bitterness but he could also see why the Alliance wanted to be cautious. Still, Cal had done more for the galaxy than anyone else—they should’ve given Shepard the benefit of the doubt. When they exited the building, Shepard stopped and Kaidan thought something wrong. Cal took a deep breath and closed his eyes, and for a few moments he simply enjoyed the feeling of the sun shining on his face. When he started walking again, Kaidan fell into step beside him.

He wasn’t sure where they were going as they headed down the sidewalk. Since returning to Earth, his senses were on constant high alert. He always worried about being attacked, especially when all he had to defend himself were his hands. The Alliance wouldn’t let him carry a weapon and he didn’t eat enough calories to properly maintain his biotics. That made the walk less than peaceful as he tried to subtly scan the area for any potential threats. He always did, always planned for a bad situation, it consumed his life now. But as they traveled the walkways in Vancouver, Shepard just couldn’t shake the feeling that he was being watched by a thousand Collector eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

Cal was pretty sure he’d been thrown back in time about twenty years. He was a kid at the orphanage, waiting to be chastised by a caretaker for stealing food again. Except he wasn't living in the slums of the Tenth Street Reds' territory anymore, instead he was in his thirties and waiting for Anderson to scold him about getting drunk.

His fingers drummed against the table he sat alone at. He wondered if Kaidan had to work tomorrow. The thought of taking a shower alone daunted him. He asked Kaidan this morning to sit in the bathroom with him while he took a bath. It was his first time he spent more than five minutes in there. He could sleep by himself, he’d just continue leaving all the lights on. It wasn’t like he’d actually rest well anyways. Cal berated himself for relying on Kaidan again so quickly, for falling into old patterns. But he needed it right now, needed Kaidan.

The man was helping Shepard even right now. It was why he currently shopped at the grocery store for supplies. Well, that and to give him and Anderson privacy. He yawned and rested his head on his arms, eyes fixated on the wall. This meeting was pointless and he didn’t know how much to reveal to Anderson. They were friends sure, but he wanted to say as little as possible. It was already hard enough admitting anything to Kaidan (or even himself).

The doorbell rang and he sighed dramatically before dragging himself up to open the door.

“Hey, Shepard,” Anderson said.

“Yo.” He moved out of the way to let him in, still trying to decide if he had the energy to put on an upbeat facade. Anderson would probably see through it but he might not call Shepard out. “Do you want a drink or something?”

“No thanks, I’m good. Let’s sit down.”

They took seats across from each other. Shepard had a difficult time focusing on the admiral. “So...” he started awkwardly.

“Is Alenko around?”

“No. I mean, he’s at the store right now. He’s been here since yesterday.” It was quiet and the silence made him uncomfortable.

“Shepard.” He sighed. “Cal. You know why I’m here. What’s going on?”

He waved the question away. “Nothing. I got a little careless the night before. You know how I am.”

“Yeah, I do. If there’s something you need-”

“I don’t need anything. I’m fine, really.”

“And if I asked Kaidan?”

His eyes narrowed. He wasn’t sure what Kaidan would say—would he tell the truth for ‘Cal’s own good’ or lie so they could deal with this themselves? Either was likely. “I’m sure he’d say the same.”

“Last time I talked to him, you two didn’t seem to be getting along too well, nothing like before.”

He laughed. “Are you really asking me about my relationship?”

“I’m stating the obvious. I know what happened on Horizon and I know how close you were before you died.”

“Pfft. We’re...working stuff out. I don’t see what that has to do with anything.”

“He volunteered to stay with you. I was afraid that might be a problem.”

“If I really wanted him gone, he’d be gone. I mean, he is now but you know what I’m saying. Look, I’m _fine._ I didn’t even drink that much. Why are you and Kaidan acting like I downed a keg?”

“Because you passed out! You’re lucky you only ended up with a scratch on your head. Technically, you’re not supposed to have alcohol at all right now.”

“I’m an adult and I’m pretty sure I’ve proven that I am more than capable of handling myself.”

“No one’s questioning that. But with this situation, there are certain protocols we need to follow. I’m doing everything I can to make sure you emerge from this relatively okay. You know any other soldier in your position-”

“Would’ve been court martialed. Yes, I know. I do appreciate what you’re doing, Anderson. It’s just...”

“I know how it was, I’m sorry. For what it's worth, I understand why you worked with Cerberus and I think it's wrong what they're doing. But until all this is cleared up, can you please just follow the rules?”

“Who knows how long that’ll take? But yeah, sure. I’ll be a good boy.”

Anderson rolled his eyes, hoping Shepard actually meant that.

“I still think I should have a gun though.”

“I just said you shouldn’t have alcohol and you say that? They’ll never allow it, not right now.” He looked at him a moment. “Shepard...”

“The Alliance said this was for ‘my protection’ yet I can’t have a weapon to defend myself with? I know that was a blatant lie but...”

“You still have your biotics. You’re not defenseless. Besides, no one’s foolish enough to attack you, especially not in this building.”

Shepard chose to remain quiet about how he couldn’t maintain his biotics right now. It’d lead to more questions like 'why haven't you been eating?' “We were supposed to have a meeting yesterday.”

“We still need to. How about this evening?”

Cal used all his self-control not to physically react. “What time?”

“Eight, my office.”

“Why not just wait until the morning? Or I don’t know, now?”

“Because we need to record those meetings and make an official report. You know that. And my schedule is completely filled tomorrow. Why, do you have plans tonight?”

“Oh, ha ha. Fine,” he deadpanned, knowing he couldn’t push anymore without raising suspicion.

They talked a little longer before Anderson took his leave and Cal was relieved when he finally did. He paced around the living room once he was alone. Eight? It was dark by eight. It was true he wouldn’t need to leave the building but the windows...

A palm smacked against his forehead. “Stop it!” he shouted at himself. He knew how ridiculous his thoughts sounded but the fear in his mind was too real. He didn’t want to leave his apartment and see the black void that taunted him. He walked around the room some more before heading to the kitchen. He fell to his knees to sift through a bottom drawer. His 'secret' liquor drawer. He stared at it and yearned for a long swig of whiskey. He wanted to feel the burn as it slipped down his throat, feel the alcohol alter his mind and distract him from all his emotions.

He grabbed it and his thumb gently swiped over the label. He still had two bottles and no recollection of that morning. It seemed unlikely he'd drink enough to pass out and still have this much. But he was far from his normal self right now. He groaned then placed the bottle back in the drawer and closed it. Shepard wanted to drink but at the same time he didn't. Besides, Kaidan would be back soon and that wouldn't play out well. It wasn't worth the extra stress right now.

He crawled away from the drawers and sat against the cold surface of the refrigerator. He wished Kaidan would hurry up. The moment the door did slide open, he jumped. Kaidan walked in carrying a bunch of bags and he quickly grabbed a few.

“Thanks. How’d the meeting go?” he asked, placing the rest on the counter.

“Fine.” He began taking food out, avoiding Kaidan’s gaze. Maybe he wouldn’t notice how upset Shepard looked. “Just asked what was going on. I told him it was nothing.”

“Oh.” He had received a message from Anderson not long ago. The admiral said to keep an eye on Shepard—that he looked exhausted and had lost weight. But he also said it was expected after everything, that Shepard seemed fine otherwise. Kaidan felt very differently about the situation.

“He asked about us too.”

“Oh, yeah...well, I told you I went to talk to him.”

“I know. It's just...I don’t know, was weird. I said we were working things out.”

Kaidan said nothing. He loved Cal and wanted to help him. It was that simple to him. They had their own issues to work on but he thought they were on the right path. However, Cal's recovery was more important than anything else right now. “Did he mention the meeting?” When he received no answer, he turned away from the cupboard he was stacking cans in. He was surprised to find Cal already staring at him, an almost blank look in his eyes. “Hey, what’s-”

“He wants me to go to his office tonight at eight.” His mind raced with the different ways to get there. There weren’t that many paths and they all required walking down the main hall. “Kaidan...”

He chewed his lip for a moment. “Have you considered telling Anderson what’s going on?”

“No fucking way.”

“Okay, okay. It was just a question.” He stepped closer to him. “I know it’ll be hard but I can go with you, talk you through it. You’ll be fine once we’re in his office.”

Cal felt his anger rising at the situation but he didn’t have a lot of options. He’d just need to keep his eyes on the ground while Kaidan helped guide him to the office. He should’ve seen this coming, he thought bitterly as he put vegetables away in the fridge. Of course he wouldn’t be able to hide in his apartment forever but...

He accidentally squeezed a tomato so hard that it burst open and squirted juice onto the floor. Kaidan watched him look down startled. “Here, I’ll finish that.”

Shepard grunted but moved away and cleaned his hand off. He finished unpacking the last couple bags. “Kay, what is this?” he asked, pulling out a small package that definitely wasn’t edible.

“Oh, it’s...a nightlight,” he said hesitantly. He wished Shepard would’ve found it before he’d gotten angry about the meeting. “I thought you could try it out if you wanted, instead of all the lamps at night.” He braced himself for a loud retort but it didn’t come.

Cal stared at the small object, of course he knew what it was when he saw it. Maybe...maybe he could try it. It wouldn’t leave the room in complete darkness and he just might fall asleep a little easier. “Okay. Uh, thanks.”

“Are you hungry?” Kaidan asked when they were finished.

“No.” As soon as the word left his mouth, he felt eyes bore into him. “I’ll be fine until lunch. I want to go on a walk. Take me to the park.”

“You wanna take a ball too?” he teased. “Actually...”

“Stop that thought right now.” He bumped Kaidan’s shoulder as he passed by.

They left the apartment and walked down the hall. A different guard from the previous day stood watch, saying nothing to Shepard as he took note of the time. The pair ignored his existence and rode the elevator to the ground floor. The first few minutes went without problem. But as they got closer to the park, Cal felt eyes on him again like he had yesterday. He tried to glance around without rousing suspicion but there were many people about. He pinned his gaze on every shifty stranger they passed, which was everyone to Shepard.

“Something wrong?”

“...No.”

But Kaidan could tell he was going back into soldier mode. His muscles tensed, his feet pressed quietly into the sidewalk with each step, his hands were poised just so that Kaidan knew he was preparing to use his biotics if necessary (even though he couldn’t at the moment).

“Cal,” he said quietly before placing a hand on his shoulder. “There’s nothing here.”

Squinted eyes darted over. “You don’t...yeah, okay.” Kaidan’s voice brought him out of his trance and he relaxed. Now that he was a little more aware, he wondered if he was just being paranoid or if someone really was stalking him. A Collector sympathizer? Cerberus? Both seemed unlikely. Most people still didn’t even believe the Collectors existed and the Illusive Man had always known their alliance was only temporary. He brushed a hand through his hair and kept walking alongside Kaidan, though his senses remained on high alert.

“When you were taking a bath, I noticed you had a new tattoo,” Kaidan said, trying to steer the conversation into something lighthearted. But he also noticed that most of his old ones were gone, the ones Kaidan had spent countless nights tracing with his lips. His comment earned a laugh.

“The krogan face on the back of my thigh?”

“You _know_ that’s the one. I was going to ask but then you said something and I forgot.”

“Jack and I were drinking on the Citadel and naturally we thought a contest would be a great idea. Garrus chose push ups and Grunt said the loser had to get his face tattooed on them. I was so wasted that I slipped and face planted onto the floor, she followed one push up later.” He grinned when he heard Kaidan laugh and he sensed a hint of judgment—he didn't blame him, it was ridiculous. “At least I got to choose _where,_ otherwise it'd be on my fucking forehead.”

“That...sounds exactly like the sort of story I’d expect from you.”

“Oh, whatever,” he said, knowing it was true.

“You could always get another one, maybe my face instead.”

He laughed. “How about on my ass cheek? ‘Cept it might be hard since I’m not allowed out for more than an hour.”

“Wait, what? An hour?”

“I didn’t mention it? Yeah, I’m free to roam the building but I’m not supposed to be outside for more than an hour unsupervised. You may be Alliance but you’re not Anderson or one of the officers assigned to me.”

“What the hell? Really? Why didn’t you tell me?”

He shrugged. “We weren’t out for that long yesterday. It didn’t come up.” They came to a stop, having finally reached the large park. He glanced around but no longer felt eyes boring into the back of his head. He watched a few runners as they wound up a trail.

Kaidan noticed him scouting but decided not to mention it. “Have you been exercising?”

“A little.”

“There’s a gym in your building. A pool too. We could go, it’d probably make you feel more energetic.” Or help him get back into a routine, something else that Cal needed.

“Yeah. I’d rather it be in the morning though.” And then he remembered the question that’d been on his mind earlier. “We? Don’t you have to work?”

“Oh, uh, no.” Now his eyes were fixated on the fountain that all the walkways converged at. He wasn’t sure why he felt nervous, maybe he thought Shepard would get annoyed. “I’m taking a leave of absence.” He finally looked over and found eyes locked on him.

“What? When did this happen?”

“I’ve been messaging Anderson about it since yesterday. And...after your guys’ meeting, he’s more on board with the idea.”

“Fuck, did he message you as soon as he left? And hey, I was acting perfectly normal. For me. Did you tell him about...?”

“No, I promise. He just thought you were stressed. But they’re going to let me go. I have to file the paperwork tomorrow but Anderson will make sure it goes through quickly. I...I told you I was going to be here for you, Cal. We’ve missed out on so much time together, I don’t want to miss anymore.”

“...Thanks,” he said simply, knowing Kaidan understood everything he was thinking without him having to say it. He felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Come on. We have time before we need to head back, plus it’s not that cold yet.”

For a short time, Kaidan helped him forget—forget that while the Alliance kept watch on him nearly twenty-four hours a day, Shepard held himself prisoner in his own mind. He helped him forget about the meeting that night, the one Cal knew couldn’t possibly end well. But it creeped up on him again, while they headed back to the apartment. Kaidan noticed it in the way his shoulders tensed, in the far off look in his eyes.

“You’re eating when we get back,” he said lightly.

“Oh my god, fine,” Cal groaned.

“Anything in particular you want?”

He shook his head. “Whatever’s fine.”

Kaidan rolled his eyes. “Alright. Oh, and uh, I've been wondering. Do you...do you want me to spend the night again?”

Cal knew he could say no. He could pretend that he wanted to stay alone and that he didn’t need to rely on Kaidan so much. But he didn’t want to do that. Cal honestly wanted Kaidan to stay again. “Yeah,” he told him.

The next few hours were kind of hazy for Shepard. Kaidan made him lunch, they walked around the building, then Kaidan left for a little bit. He said he wanted to grab a few things since he was spending the night—which was true but Kaidan also thought that Cal might want some time to himself. He promised to be back before the meeting.

Shepard spent most of that time lying on the floor. He stared at the ceiling, listening for any strange sounds but mostly lost in his thoughts. He thought about the meeting, the last few weeks, and he also found himself thinking about him and Kaidan on the original Normandy. He tried to think solely of the good memories they made but his mind kept leading him to that final night, where he had only vague images and brief flashes of terror to remember it by.

He pushed himself up, knowing that it wasn’t good for him to dwell on this stuff but not knowing how to do anything else. His feet shuffled him into the kitchen but this time he realized he didn’t want to drink. Kaidan had bought him a lot of food but he searched the cupboards until he found what he wanted—a bag of Gummy Blastos.

When Kaidan returned to the apartment, a bag slung over his shoulder, he found Cal sitting on the couch popping candy in his mouth with the tv on.

“Hey,” he said and placed his bag on the table for the moment.

“Hey.”

Kaidan sat near him on the coffee table. He held a candy out to him and Kaidan grabbed it with his mouth. Shepard grinned and he looked so relaxed. Maybe Cal could get a couple peaceful hours in before the meeting.

~~~~~

“Ready?” Kaidan asked.

Shepard nodded even though all he wanted to do was hide under his bed. He knew he was growing irritable and that was never good for anyone. They walked out of the apartment, Cal a couple steps behind. As always, a guard stood at the end of the hallway. He looked young, twenty at most, and noted the time.

He and Shepard met eyes and Cal actually growled. The boy looked surprised. Kaidan ignored it and just guided him towards the elevator. His anger dissolved the higher they rode. Cal knew the layout of the hallways perfectly, there wasn’t much to memorize. A gray wall stared at him when the doors finally slid open. It was the hallway a few meters to the left that caused his heartbeat to quicken, the hallway he reluctantly let Kaidan lead him towards.

They turned the corner and Cal nervously pushed forward. He tried to keep his gaze on the ground but he knew what was lurking on the other side of that glass. There was nothing but darkness and empty airless space. It terrified him. Blurry images raced through his mind just like his nightmares— _real_ memories of the Collector base and brief instances of the Normandy right before his death. A hand clutched his chest. Outside was too big but this hallway was too small. It was closing in on him and he couldn’t breathe. His body hit the wall and hands scrambled to grasp onto something to keep him anchored, something to prevent space from snatching him away and consuming him.

Kaidan had been watching him since they left the apartment. He knew Shepard might fall into a panic attack and when it happened, he was by him in an instant.

“Cal!” he exclaimed when the man collapsed against the wall. He grabbed his shoulder, trying not to crowd him but wanting to get him focus. His eyes were shut tightly. “Cal, look at me.” And then he stopped breathing and fear stabbed Kaidan in the chest. “Cal, please. You’re with me, you’re safe. _Cal_.”

Shepard's eyes snapped open and he sucked in a large breath. He shook like a leaf as he realized where he was. He blinked a few times before his eyes filled with tears and he hugged Kaidan. His hands fisted into his shirt and he buried his face against him.

“Why is this happening to me?” he asked miserably. “Why can’t I control it?”

“It's so, so hard but it won’t always be like this,” Kaidan whispered, a hand running soothingly along Cal’s back. “I know you're scared right now but it's not permanent, I promise.”

That seemed unlikely to Cal as he stood there and cried. It was too much, everything was too much. These nightmares, these panic attacks, his increasing paranoia. He felt like an absolute wreck.

Kaidan shifted their positions until it was his back to the wall and Cal faced away from the windows. It was only then that he noticed another figure out of the corner of his eye. Glancing down the hall, he saw Anderson staring at them. He looked stunned and his expression told Kaidan he’d seen enough to understand what Shepard was dealing with now. He knew others were around too—guards at the end of the hall, random passersby. He ignored everyone and kept his focus on the man in his arms.

“My chest hurts,” he breathed.

“Do you want to go home?” Kaidan asked.

He shook his head. “No.” He already came this far, things couldn’t get much worse.

“Okay. His office isn’t far now. You can do it.”

Cal pulled back slowly and Kaidan immediately brushed his tears away. Shepard looked down the hall, quietly gauging how far the door was. He still feared what lurked behind him but he gathered his strength and moved. His breathing was still a little quick when they made it to the entrance but Shepard was there and that was what mattered. He was relieved when the door slid closed behind them but then saw Anderson standing not too far away. There was another door further in that led to the private space their meetings were held and Shepard really hoped the officers were unaware of what just happened. But Anderson was standing there and Cal knew he saw everything.

“You could’ve told me,” the admiral said.

Shepard wondered if he was talking to him _and_ Kaidan. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Come in when you’re ready.” And then he was walking through the door, leaving the pair alone.

“Should I wait out here?” Kaidan asked.

“No,” he said quickly. “They can fuck off if they don't like it.”

The board was very against Kaidan joining their meeting but Shepard argued louder and harder. Kaidan was allowed to sit in. As he sat there next to Cal and listened silently, he wondered if these meetings made Shepard’s condition worse.

They currently discussed the Illusive Man but how many times did Cal have to describe the Collector base? How many reports were written about going through the relay, fighting through dark twisted corridors , defeating an _actual reaper_ made from the gruesome remains of the most unfortunate human colonies? Were his nightmares worse those nights he talked about it? Did any minor progress he make disappear with these meetings?

Kaidan thought that talking through and accepting what happened would eventually help lead to Cal’s recovery. Just...not in this setting, where it was closer to an interrogation than anything therapeutic. But he supposed there wasn’t much choice, it was important for the Alliance to know what really happened. Kaidan just wondered if there was a better way to go about it.

The meeting ended and Anderson kept Shepard back while the other officers left. He tried to talk to the man but Cal responded with angry jokes and heavy sarcasm. Anderson let him go, saying he’d call him tomorrow.

Kaidan walked out to the main office and saw the young private who’d been keeping guard earlier. He noticed earlier that he looked familiar but he couldn’t remember why. The kid looked like he wanted to say something and Shepard quirked an eyebrow at him.

“I know I’m handsome, but why are you staring at me?” Cal growled.

“Oh, um, sorry, Commander. I just...wanted to see how you were doing. If you were feeling better,” he stuttered.

“Better from what?” There was no fucking way he was asking about the incident in the hallway. He couldn't be that dumb.

“I’m Private Andrews, sir. I was the one who found you in your apartment with your injury and...I’m sorry, it’s inappropriate for me to be asking. I was scared that—please-”

“I’m fine now,” he interrupted. “Thanks.”

Andrews smiled nervously at him. “I’m glad, sir. If you’ll excuse me, I’m sure you two want to get going.”

The door slid open and Andrews turned the opposite way from them in the hall. Shepard had hoped for a few moments to prepare before stepping out. His cross expression quickly crumbled and his gaze went to the floor. Kaidan kept a hand on his back to help guide him towards the elevators. The return trip seemed even longer this time around.

Kaidan was relieved that they made it to the apartment without issue. Cal was just relieved to be home. The curtains were closed and the lights already on, just as he left it. He went to the bedroom without a word, changing into something more comfortable. When he reemerged, Kaidan was in the kitchen cooking them dinner. He wanted Cal back on some sort of schedule and eating properly again.

They talked casually, Kaidan carrying a lot of the conversation. He didn’t expect Shepard to be his usual talkative self right now. It was barely pushing ten by the time they ate and cleaned up.

“I’m tired,” Shepard murmured. Well, he always was but-

“You want to go to bed?” Kaidan asked.

“I guess.” He stretched but froze when his eyes landed on the counter. The nightlight. The word alone sounded so fucking stupid in his head. He felt like a child afraid of monsters lurking in the dark instead of...an adult afraid of collectors lurking in the dark. He sighed.

“Do you want to try it out tonight? Or you can wait, it’s been a rough evening.”

Kaidan wasn’t pressuring him. It was Cal’s choice because Cal was the only one who could save himself. Kaidan wanted to help of course but he also wanted him to choose to take this first step. And if he stumbled, Kaidan would help him stay upright.

“Tonight’s as good a night as any.” He grabbed the light and headed for the room, but didn't hear Kaidan follow. “Are...you coming?” He could already feel the panic rising and he wanted Kaidan there in case he had another attack.

“Yeah, I’m just gonna lock up in here and turn everything off. I’ll be there in a sec.”

He nodded then went into the bright room alone. He looked around and decided to put the light on the desk against the wall. He placed it down and stared at it and his gaze became unfocused. Shepard could hear his own voice barking orders at his crew, legs and lungs pumping hard as they tried to escape the base crashing down around them.

A fist smacked against the wall and brought him out of his memory.

He looked at his clenched hand before grabbing the light again. “Fuck you,” he growled at the inanimate object and turned it on.

Kaidan came in soon after and it was then that Shepard realized he was uncomfortable. Kaidan would most likely witness one of his nightmares. They didn’t happen _every_ night but damn well often enough. He didn’t enjoy the thought. But it didn’t make much of difference, he guessed. Just one more piece of armor stripped, just another part of himself exposed for Kaidan to see. If things were how they were _back then,_ the thought wouldn't scare him so much.

But this was the same Kaidan, he told himself. A little more roughed up after these last few years but the same man he loved. He watched Kaidan as he took off his pants and hung them on the back of a chair. Hands went for his shirt but then he opted to leave it on.

“You’re staring.”

Cal glanced up from black underwear to meet his eyes. Kaidan’s tone was teasing, despite the heavy air around them. “What can I say, it's a nice view.” He took off his own pants as well but tossed them on the floor instead. “Come here.”

Kaidan sat next to him on the bed, wondering what he was going to say. He could tell Shepard was uncomfortable but not necessarily angry or upset.

“I...thanks. That first time you came to see me, I kinda just wanted to punch you and shut the door. But you came back to check on me. I was still so fucking angry even when I woke up in the hospital...I still am, just not at you anymore. And...this sounded a lot sweeter in my head. You know what? You’re just too fuckin’ nice, Kay. Goddamn it.”

He laughed a bit. “I, uh, knew something was wrong. And after what happened between us on Horizon...” He paused but then moved closer, until their legs lightly bumped. “Are we...gonna be able to move on from it?” They both said things but part of Kaidan still felt so guilty when he thought of Cal all alone with Cerberus.

“Can we? I-I think so. I'm sorry for how I've been acting. I...understand why you didn't come that day.” It still hurt but he really did understand. It was time to move on, he wanted to move on. And Kaidan had already done more than enough to make up for his part.

A hand cupped Cal’s face before Kaidan kissed him. Their hands roamed over each other until fingers brushed against the hair on the nape of Shepard's neck. Cal moaned a bit and wrapped his arms around Kaidan, wanting to hold and be held. When the kiss ended, Kaidan's forehead rested against Cal's.

“I love you,” Kaidan whispered, not caring if Shepard felt differently now or wasn’t ready to return the words yet. They had been through a lot together, life and death in the most literal sense, and Kaidan loved him just as strongly as he did back then.

“I love you too.”

The words filled him with warmth and he kissed him one more time. “Are you ready to go to bed?”

Cal was nervous but determined to get through the night. Despite how fucking disastrous this evening was, Kaidan was still so confident in him. He tried to remember that and not lose himself to anger and fear as Kaidan turned off the light for the first night since Shepard returned to Earth.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first story on AO3 to break 1000 hits and I just wanted to take a moment to say thanks to the people who have left comments and kudos on this story. I appreciate it and I’m glad you’re enjoying my work. Also, at the time of this draft, it’s at 1111 hits. I like that number

Rough.

That was the ultimate understatement of how the night had been. Kaidan witnessed one of his nightmares and nearly got punched in the face by a delusional Cal when he woke him up. Then once he was more aware, Shepard almost got into a fight with Kaidan to turn all the lights back on. He was barely able to calm him down, wanting to at least _try_ to convince him to keep them off—he knew how awful Shepard would feel in the morning if they turned the lights on. But if he would've kept arguing, he would've done it.

And now the sun was up and they were both exhausted. Cal sat at the table with his forehead pressed against the cold surface while Kaidan made them coffee.

“What time are you going?” Shepard mumbled.

“I was gonna shower then head out. Hopefully it won’t take that long,” Kaidan answered, placing a steaming mug in front of him and sitting down. He had to file his paperwork. “You want to take one with me?”

He pushed himself upright and nodded before taking a swig of scalding coffee. Fifteen minutes later they were in the shower together. The water was a little too hot for Kaidan but Cal had always liked it at ridiculous temperatures. He could tell Shepard was in a bad mood as they washed up, his determination from the night before drained. Cal was always too hard on himself and Kaidan knew that he was going to beat himself up for 'not getting over this’ quickly and easily.

“Turn your back to me,” he said quietly.

Cal raised an eyebrow but listened. His muscles tensed briefly when hands touched him but they quickly relaxed. He groaned softly as Kaidan slowly rubbed the expanse of his back, skin slick with soap. When finished, his hands rested on Shepard’s hips and he placed a small kiss on the nape of his neck. The anger in Cal’s body was gone, self-disappointment being all that remained.

“Ready to get out?”

“Yeah,” he sighed.

Kaidan got dressed a few minutes later and watched as Cal yawned. “You want me to get you anything while I’m out?”

“No.”

“I’m gonna get going then.”

He grabbed Shepard’s hips and kissed him briefly before he was alone again. He wasn’t really sure what to do with himself or what he’d even been doing since he returned to Earth. Time was a warped concept to him now. He wandered over to the window and stared out it for a while. Part of him wanted to go outside but he decided to save his hour for when Kaidan returned. A few minutes later he found himself on his back, staring at the high ceiling. He had no idea how long he remained that way.

When Kaidan came back, he almost called out to see where Shepard was. But then an unmoving body on the couch caught his eye and he briskly walked over. He looked down to see Cal curled up and asleep. He breathed softly as his head rested against a pillow and he actually looked peaceful. Kaidan made as little noise as possible so not to interrupt his much needed rest.

The next few days passed in a similar way. Cal would go to sleep that night determined not to turn on the lights (besides the nightlight) nor fall victim to nightmares (that he had no control over). He would argue with Kaidan a few hours later, Kaidan would calm him, and then they’d both be exhausted in the morning. A nap before noon sometimes followed. Shepard’s moods swung between fierce determination and bitter hopelessness. Anderson tried getting through to him. But Shepard would shut down and pretend he was fine—the fact that Anderson actually witnessed his panic attack was irrelevant. Kaidan wasn’t sure what to do but when Cal began picking fights with him out of boredom, he knew something had to happen.

“Let’s go to the gym,” Kaidan suggested. They were both in bed one afternoon, having just woken up from a short nap. He didn’t like this schedule, they were still missing out on a lot of sleep, but it was better than nothing.

“Fine,” Cal sighed and rubbed at his eyes. Logically he knew he’d feel better if he started exercising but he just felt so lazy and didn’t actually want to go. But he dragged himself up and changed into shorts and a tank top, following Kaidan out the door a few minutes later.

They didn’t talk much on the way there, Shepard just didn’t have the energy. But when they did arrive at the gym, he gravitated towards the treadmills. He enjoyed running. It wasn't bad when doing it for pleasure and not because he needed to escape some sort of horrible creature. The young man picked the closest one and saw Kaidan set up next to him.

He started out on a walk since the most strenuous activity he’d done in weeks was fight through a panic attack. His impatience quickly showed and within a few minutes, he was running. Cal didn’t know how long he was at it but he took comfort in the burn in his legs as his muscles pumped hard against the treadmill’s surface. He almost felt normal.

Shepard completely lost track of time but Kaidan eventually got tired of running and moved on to weights. It was only when he felt absolutely exhausted that Cal finally decreased the speed to an eventual stop. He was drinking down water when Kaidan rejoined him.

“Good work out?” he asked, taking a drink out of his own bottle.

He nodded and pulled at his sweat-soaked tank.

“I forgot just how much you like running.”

“Reminds me of when I’d run from the police as a kid.” A partial joke. Police rarely bothered to patrol where he grew up—he ran from other gangs.

“I’ve missed your humor.”

Shepard grinned before they left the gym. As they walked towards the elevator, he poured the rest of the water over his head, uncaring as it spilled on the floor. Kaidan just snorted before wrapping an arm around him.

~~~~~

Shepard’s face was pressed against Kaidan’s chest when he woke up the next morning and one of his arms was slung around his waist. He rolled onto his back and immediately felt pain shoot from his knee. He looked down but didn’t see anything out of the ordinary. He knew he must’ve overdone it the day before. But as long as it wasn’t broken, he planned to do it again later. Cal wouldn’t mention the pain to Kaidan though, he'd throw a fit. A few painkillers would take care of it so he could drudge on. He was desperate for the calmness it provided.

He stumbled out of bed and limped to the windows as his leg got used to the pressure of his weight. He hesitated but then saw Kaidan stirring so he opened the curtains.

“And I’m blind now,” he whined, eyes shutting against the sudden sunlight.

“Nah, you're exaggerating,” Cal said as he went to turn off the nightlight and retrieve his pajama pants. He still hadn’t done more to push himself. The next logical step was turning all lights off at night but he talked himself out of it every single time. He glanced over when Kaidan sat up and stretched, then remembered to pull his pants on.

“Do you wanna go to the gym again?”

“Yeah...I slept better last night. I didn’t have any nightmares.”

“That’s good, Cal.”

He just hoped it’d last.

Less than an hour later, the pair was back at the gym. There were more people now that it was the weekend. Shepard glanced around warily but managed to find his way to the treadmills again.

“You sure you don’t want to lift weights with me?” Kaidan asked.

“I'm sure,” he answered. “My mind doesn’t wander when I run.” This section of the gym also gave him a good vantage point of everyone there. He decided not to voice that part, though he wondered if Kaidan already knew.

“Alright, I’ll find you later.”

He started off at a jog and grimaced as pain shot through his knee again. But he pushed through it. It took him longer to build up to a run but he craved that crazed focus. His stamina wasn't what it used to be but that didn’t stop him from going hard. It’d come back to bite him in the ass, he knew that. But it would be worth it if it gave him just a small piece of his old self back—before this Collector bullshit, before Saren and the geth, before any knowledge of the fucking reapers. His eyes closed as he tried to push all those thoughts away. This wasn’t the time to get lost in that, he refused to let this moment be poisoned too.

It wasn’t until Kaidan came back that he realized how much time had passed. He actually had to argue with him to stop and a few nearby people stared. Cal wanted to be stubborn but deep down he knew Kaidan was right. The burn in his leg helped convince him too. Back at the apartment, they both showered then Cal helped with cooking breakfast.

“Do you want to go for a walk in the park later?” Kaidan asked as they ate at the table.

“Not today,” Cal said, hoping he wouldn't push the matter. But Kaidan knew he craved the hour they spent outside every day.

“Cal-”

“I just don’t feel like it.”

“Oh, you know exactly how that sounds!” Shepard just growled and Kaidan threw his hands up. “Fine.”

Cal glanced up from his plate. Kaidan had a frown on his face. Using his good leg, he nudged him under the table. When he didn’t react, Shepard did it again. Finally he looked at him.

“You’re such an ass,” Kaidan groaned a moment later.

“I know. Wanna have a movie marathon with me on the couch? I’ll let you pick the first one.”

Amber eyes narrowed before Kaidan gave in and smiled. “Alright. You know I can’t resist your charm.”

“Heh.” Cal knew he’d been acting anything but charming lately. Still, he was glad Kaidan didn’t pressure him about going outside. He really wanted to but the thought of walking on his knee for an entire sixty minutes made it ache even more. He was starting to regret his rabid running this morning. But the idea of curling up with Kaidan and watching terrible movies did appeal to him a lot. The rest of the day passed easily and Cal was relieved for that. He didn’t remember having any nightmares that night.

The next morning wasn’t quite so peaceful. Cal groaned as he rolled onto his back, leg jostled by the movement. Tired eyes read the clock. 6:12 am. He knew why he was up so early, and it wasn’t because of insomnia or a nightmare. He tossed the blanket off himself and sat up.

“Fucking cunt,” he gasped loudly when he tried to bend his leg.

“Mm, what’s wrong?” Kaidan mumbled.

“Nothing, go back to sleep.”

He rolled onto his side and closed his eyes to Shepard’s relief. But that rest was ruined a few moments later when Cal tried to walk to the bathroom. He cried out in pain and would've fallen to the floor if not for the nightstand. Kaidan was up and at his side in an instant.

“What’s wrong?” he repeated, this time with a lot more worry in his tone.

Cal grit his teeth but knew he couldn’t lie at this point. “My knee.”

Kaidan helped him sit back down on the bed. Shepard's left knee was swollen and he was pretty sure he could hear a grinding sound from it.

“Cal...hold on, I'll get you some painkillers. Then some clothes so we can go to the doctor.”

Kaidan grabbed pills and water for him quickly and he eagerly swallowed them down. “This must be from the treadmill. Did you feel this coming on?” he asked.

“No,” he lied.

“Did you?”

“...Yeah. Goddamn it, I can’t even move it.”

“I’ll call the doctor.”

Shepard almost opened his mouth to argue but stopped himself. He knew this needed to be checked out. He listened to the conversation as Kaidan made sure they could be seen immediately instead of waiting in the ER.

Shepard closed his eyes, he was incredibly upset. Of course this would happen. Of course the one thing he found peace in, that temporarily drove all the bad memories away, that was actually healthy for him, would be ruined. It took everything he had not to punch something, but that was probably just because he couldn’t get up without help. “I’m so tired, Kay...”

“I know,” he said after he hung up. “I know you are.” He sat down and hugged him for a couple minutes. He kissed his cheek then said, “They're leaving a wheelchair with the guard and will see you as soon as we go in. I'll get your clothes.” They took a few minutes to dress, Kaidan helped him put his pants on and go into the bathroom so he could piss before they left.

The guard stood right across the hall so Cal wouldn't have to crawl. Kaidan pushed him to the hospital. Shepard honestly hoped they just prescribed him some strong painkillers and an ice wrap before sending him on his way.

~~~~~

“It looks like something's wrong with the implants Cerberus gave you,” the doctor said after an extensive exam, ruining Cal's dreams.

“Great. They fucked me up,” he groaned.

“This is...complex technology. Do you know who was in charge of this?”

“Miranda Lawson.”

“For now I want you to treat it with ice and rest. Did you injure it before you started running?”

“No. Oh...” He thought back to the Collector base and his fingers tightened into his thighs before he regained control of himself. “When we were hauling it out of the base, I fell and landed on my knee pretty hard. But there was so much adrenaline that it didn't hurt and I never bothered to get it checked out.”

“If this is your first time really exercising since that incident then it must have aggravated it. This could possibly require surgery but I don't want to do that without more information. I'd like to contact Ms Lawson.”

“Ha! Good luck with that. The Alliance won't let you talk to someone who was a part of Cerberus. Especially for my sake.”

“I'm aware. But this is medically necessary.”

“Anderson will be your best bet then. He's the only one who likes me there.”

“I'll contact him right away. Until then, please rest, Commander and call me if anything worsens.”

He jerked a thumb towards Kaidan. “Like he’s going to let me move now.”

“That's for the best.”

Shepard stayed in the office for a couple more minutes before the doctor let him go. Kaidan helped him into the wheelchair and then they picked up his prescription.

“Do you wanna go back home?” Kaidan asked.

“No, I think we time to grab breakfast somewhere.”

“This doesn’t count towards your hour?”

“It fucking better not! I’ll raise hell if they try to pull anything and honestly, I think they’d rather just let me go than listen to my mouth.”

“Alright, come on. I’m hungry too.”

They spent the rest of the day lounging around the apartment, which meant Cal was bored out of his mind. In the afternoon, Shepard sat on the couch with his leg propped up on the coffee table. He was occupying himself by playing a video game Kaidan hacked onto his omni-tool. Both men glanced up when there was a knock on the door.

“It’s Anderson,” Kaidan announced before the door slid open and he brought the older man inside.

“How’s it going, you two?”

“It’s definitely going,” Shepard mumbled distractedly. He cursed when he lost the game then turned it off. “Did the doctor contact you?”

“Yes. The other officers are deciding if they want to risk contacting Cerberus.”

“Risk? I’m sitting here with a fucked up knee that I can’t move. All they need is Miranda, you know, one of the people that helped me save all their asses from the evil Collectors. She's not even part of Cerberus anymore!”

“I know, don’t gotta convince me. I’m doing all I can.”

He groaned and rested his head back against the couch. “I know. Thanks.”

“How are you holding up, besides this?”

“Fine,” he pouted. He heard Kaidan make a sound from the kitchen.

Anderson shook his head. “How are you doing really?”

“I’m starting to sleep better. Sometimes. A little. And I haven’t had any panic attacks. But then I haven’t been out at night either.”

“Have you considered seeing a professional? I think it could help you.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Why?”

“Because what’s the point?”

“They’re trained to help with anxiety and insomnia. Are you having nightmares? They can help with that too.”

Shepard frowned at the table and he realized he probably looked like a stubborn child, but he didn’t care. “I don’t want to.”

“It’s just something to think about. Will you at least consider it?”

He shrugged but the other two knew Shepard would in fact think about it. Anderson tried to steer the conversation to lighter subjects after that and Cal easily rolled with it. Despite the attitude he knew he sometimes had, Cal was glad Anderson came by to see him. He was one of the very few on Earth who trusted him and actually cared about his well-being. He knew his time here would've been a lot worse without the admiral, without his _friend,_ on his side.


	6. Chapter 6

Cal sat on the bed, still as a statue, when Kaidan entered the bedroom. He stared intensely at the closed curtains, the sun having set hours ago. Kaidan walked closer but didn’t say anything until Shepard acknowledged him.

“Kay.”

“I’m here.”

Cal finally turned his gaze to him. “I want to look outside.” Such a simple sentence but it’d been the current source of his anxiety for the past ten minutes. _Outside_ represented all his fears. All the emptiness he felt since returning to Earth was mirrored by the dark emptiness of the galaxy. But he needed to confront it and be okay, because he wouldn’t always have the ‘luxury’ of sitting around. He didn’t want that to be his life. Some day very soon he needed to get back out there, in command of his own ship, and do what he had to. And even though his heart hammered so hard that he wondered if Kaidan could hear it, he wanted this right now. He wanted to get up and face the night no matter how badly part of him also wanted to run and hide under the bed.

“Do you want your cane?”

“Yeah.”

Kaidan grabbed it from its spot near the nightstand and helped him stand. Cal made his way to the window slowly and he knew it wasn’t because of his knee. Kaidan went next to the curtains, ready to pull them aside. He looked at Cal and watched the emotions playing across his face. “Ready?” he asked, hand gently touching his arm.

“No,” he laughed nervously. He ran a hand through his hair and took a deep breath. This was okay, he could do this. It was his choice, not something forced like the last time when he wasn’t ready. “Okay. Do it.”

Kaidan nodded then pushed the drapes away. Shepard’s breath hitched and his eyes widened. His hand clamped around the handle of his cane as he stared at the sky. Kaidan moved until he was behind him and he carefully wrapped arms around his waist. Cal’s free hand rested upon his arm, not to push away but to hold.

Flashes of the Normandy assaulted his mind and he panicked once his chest tightened and it felt like he couldn’t breathe. The more he stared at the stars, the less of them he saw until he was floating amongst the wreckage of a ship with the air draining from his lungs.

_Cal._

A sound tried to cut through the fog in his mind.

_Cal._

Again, and this time he realized that it was Kaidan’s voice.

“Breathe, Cal,” Kaidan murmured again. “You’re with me. You’re okay. Take a deep breath.”

Shepard trembled but he managed to suck in a lungful of air.

“Nothing can get you here. You’re safe. Breathe out.”

Cal exhaled and tried to remember that he was in fact safe in the apartment and surrounded by the planet’s oxygenated atmosphere. His eyes remained on the sky and he felt himself leaning back against Kaidan.

“Don’t worry, I've got you,” Kaidan whispered.

The man talked to him quietly and reminded him to breathe until Cal no longer felt like he was dying. He watched the cars that flew by, glanced at the tops of other buildings. His eyes traced a familiar constellation. A hand not his made its way over his heart. It still thumped fast but not as frantically as it was a couple minutes ago.

“How do you feel?”

Shepard thought about it. “I don’t know,” he said honestly. But most of the panic in his voice was gone. He was still scared but then he realized he was actually doing it, he was staring at the sky and the stars that he'd flown through countless times. The thought overwhelmed him and he told Kaidan to close the curtains. Shepard placed a hand on his own chest and kept his breathing controlled. He blinked a few times before he looked up at his boyfriend and found him smiling softly at him.

“You did really good, Cal.”

He said nothing but closed the small distance to hug Kaidan. His arms wrapped around Shepard easily. He kept whispering things to Cal, his voice cutting through the negative thoughts beginning to cloud Shepard’s mind.

“I love you,” Kaidan said, smoothing out his brown hair. “So much.”

“I love you too.”

He gestured towards the bed. “You tired?”

“Yeah.” He turned and stared at the nightlight. Was this the night? Would this be when he kept off the lights and tried to sleep in complete darkness? The idea still made him so nervous...

“It’s okay to leave it on,” Kaidan said, having seen where his eyes landed. “It's great that you’re pushing yourself, I'm proud of you, but don’t feel like you have to do everything all at once.”

Kaidan had always known how to soothe him and he was grateful. He nodded. “Turn it on.”

Tonight wouldn’t be the night. But Shepard knew it would be soon.

~~~~~

“Get on the back.”

“No.”

“It’s a great-”

“It’s not made to support both of us.”

“It can hold like triple my weight. There’s a bar for you to step on, just hold on to my shoulders.”

“Cal...”

“I have one hour, we need to save time where we can.” He grinned at his boyfriend, knowing Kaidan couldn’t resist.

“Fine,” he sighed. Cal was lying. They could’ve just as easily walked to the restaurant down the street but he insisted that Kaidan hop on the back of his wheelchair so they could both ride there. Still, Kaidan was happy that Shepard was in a good mood. He was starting to sleep better despite his injured knee and although he had a nightmare last night, he was actually able to fall back asleep for a few hours.

“You holding on tight?” Shepard asked.

“Like this is the first time I’ve ridden your ass.”

He heard Cal's laugh before they rode out of the apartment together. Kaidan typed in the code to lock the door and then Shepard sped to the elevators. He made eye contact with the guard before swerving close enough to make the young woman jump and Kaidan’s hands tightened on his shoulders. He laughed before slamming his fist on the button to call the elevator.

“Could’ve warned me,” Kaidan grumbled once they were on their way down.

“Oh please, you should’ve known by this point.”

They made it to the restaurant within ten minutes and Cal parked the wheelchair just inside the entrance. He used his cane to walk to the table, wanting to give his muscles an opportunity to stretch. They—well, Shepard—had another meeting with the board to discuss more Cerberus things after this. Kaidan just really hoped it didn’t ruin the decent mood Cal was in.

“A bloody mary,” Cal told the waiter who approached their table. He ignored the look sent his way then smirked when Kaidan added, “Make that two.”

An hour later, the couple was in Anderson’s office. Kaidan listened quietly once more as they delved into Cerberus. They asked a lot of questions about his crew, specifically Miranda. He wanted to roll his eyes but knew that would be unprofessional. Even Shepard didn’t mess around, he was eager to get his bummed knee healed. At the end of the meeting, the captain in charge made an announcement.

“We’ve discussed it and given the nature of your injury, we're allowing Dr Powell to contact Miranda Lawson. It’ll be under strict surveillance of course. A message to him has already been sent.”

“Fantastic. I can’t wait until I can bend it again.” Kaidan and Anderson were the only ones who knew he wasn’t being sarcastic this time.

The other officers left soon after. Shepard slowly drove towards the door, Kaidan and Anderson trailing behind as they spoke about something Cal wasn’t paying attention to. The door slid open and Shepard saw the familiar face of the private he’d met before.

“Good morning, Commander,” the young man saluted.

“At ease, Andrews. You don't gotta salute me, I’m not a commander anymore,” he said.

“Oh, um, sorry, sir. I heard you were injured and I just wanted to say that I hope you make a speedy recovery.”

“Ha, you better not let anyone else in the Alliance catch you being so nice to me. But I'll be fine. Knee injury. Luckily, they were nice enough to give me a wheelchair instead of making me hop on one leg everywhere.” That got a small laugh from the soldier. “I might need surgery but it’s a small thing.”

“Well, I hope everything goes smoothly.”

Shepard talked to him for a few more minutes, asked a few small questions, before Andrews let them go. The couple was left alone in the hall after that. Cal stared at Kaidan for a few moments before the older man sighed and climbed onto the back of the wheelchair.

By the time they returned to the apartment, the doctor had left a message relaying what the officers already told him. He would attempt to contact her after this call. If unsuccessful, he would still schedule the surgery but Lawson’s expertise would help immensely. He’d call him back later.

Cal sighed and threw himself onto the couch. His knee was the same, not getting worse at least, but he hated doing ice treatments. It was cold and they didn't help that.

“You don’t have to stay here,” Cal said. “You can go work out or something if you want.”

“Oh, it’s okay. I don’t mind.”

“It’s fine. I’m probably gonna nap soon anyways. Besides, your muscles are hot You better keep up on them.”

Kaidan smirked then flexed. “They are, huh?”

But he decided Cal was right and that he should head out for a little while. He changed into shorts and a t-shirt before returning to the living room. Shepard was staring out the window from his spot on the couch and he looked deep in thought. But he glanced over when the appeared. Kaidan knelt next to him, on his good side, and pressed their lips together. Shepard moaned softly into the kiss as his hands found their way to the bare skin of Kaidan’s back. He braced one arm on the back of the couch while his free hand cupped Shepard’s face. When Cal shifted, he felt Kaidan's dick through the thin fabric of his shorts and he realized this was his first spike of arousal since...what felt like forever. With everything that had been going on, sex was the last thing on his mind. It was one of his favorite things to do, especially with Kaidan, and it was just one more way he wasn't his usual self.

Kaidan pulled away with a few last pecks before whispering that he’d see him later. Shepard eventually turned on a vid to fill the silence but he didn't pay much attention to it. His mind drifted back a few years, to his and Kaidan’s relationship and how it evolved more quickly than was probably wise. But he and Kaidan became such fast friends, it only felt natural to start dating. Cal loved sex but had never been one for dating. There were boyfriends before Kaidan but it had still been unfamiliar territory, enough so that he was terrified of fucking things up with the lieutenant. A smile appeared. Life was different now but his relationship with Kaidan, no matter how hard and tense things got, was never something he regretted. 

He thought back even further, before the Normandy, before even the Alliance. He was back at the orphanage, resorting to stealing just to eat. When the Reds picked him up, he was still just a child. But they trained him well in fighting and thievery and he enjoyed his life with them for years. And then Ryan ruined that. Ryan Shepard, his best friend in the entire galaxy, the man whose last name he took as his own, the man he cared so much for.

Ryan and Kaidan were the two people he loved more strongly than anyone else, who had helped him more than anyone through the hardships in his life.

He missed Ryan. He would've helped him through this too.

He stretched, feeling more than enough nostalgia for one day, and intended to grab himself a drink. But right before he reached for his cane, a loud bang sounded from next door. Shepard was on his feet in an instant, suddenly transported to the middle of the battlefield, where he stood ready to kill the closest Collector with a steady warp. His breathing was heavy and he blinked a few times until he remembered where he was and that the sound was from the obnoxious neighbors. His arm moved to grab his cane angrily but then he froze. He stared blankly at his trembling blue hand and only then did he realize he activated his biotic barrier.

The energy pulsed through him, his nerves buzzing. Even after it dissipated, he continued staring. He finally moved again when he realized that his knee felt like fire and he must’ve hurt it getting up so quickly. He strained and grabbed his cane. Despite the pain now shooting up his knee, he felt alright. It seemed so long since he felt the thrum of biotics through his body.

He limped towards the fridge and drank some juice. It probably would’ve been easier if he used the crutches but he didn’t like those things. His eyes closed and he briefly pretended that life was normal, or whatever normal was supposed to be.

Kaidan had been gone for a while, he finally noticed. Shepard was surprised by how long he’d spent on the couch, his perception of time sucked now. He sat at the table with a bag of candy, too lazy to cane it back to the couch. That was where Kaidan found him when he came back.

“Hey, you’re not all gross,” Cal murmured against his lips when Kaidan leaned down to kiss him.

“Yeah, I showered and changed there,” he chuckled. “What’ve you been up to?”

“I don’t even know. The stupid fucking neighbors started banging around and I...freaked out. I jumped up, which oh my god my knee, but then, uh, I noticed that I activated a barrier.”

Kaidan looked surprised but then he smiled. “That’s good, Cal. Well, not the—you know what I mean.”

“Heh, I’m gonna lift you when you’re not paying attention.”

“Try that and I’ll lock you in a stasis.”

“Mm, wouldn’t be the first time.”

“Yeah, I remember exactly how much you like it.”

Cal smirked at the memories.

The rest of the day went without much issue. Shepard had a tough time falling asleep but that was more because of his knee, not his anxiety. The following afternoon, the couple went to lunch with Anderson. The older man asked if there had been any news with the doctor and Cal asked Kaidan to check his messages for him.

“He just sent something.”

“What’d he say?” Cal asked as he knocked back the cocktail he convinced Anderson to buy him.

“He got in touch with Miranda and he's asking you to come in today.”

“Okay, tell him I’ll be there in an hour.”

Kaidan typed the message out while the other two talked more. Anderson paid the bill and then they were outside a few minutes later.

“I’ll send you a message when I’m out of there,” Cal said to the admiral.

“Yeah, keep me in the loop. I’ll talk to you two later.”

Fifteen minutes later, Shepard was checked in and waiting for the doctor. Kaidan sat in a chair next to the exam table.

There was a knock on the door and then the doctor stepped inside. “Good afternoon,” he greeted. “As I said in the email, I’ve been able to contact Ms Lawson and discuss what’s going on with the implants. I’d like to do the surgery tomorrow morning with her oversight.”

“Through vid comm I assume.”

“Yes, it’d be...unwise for her to come here.” He described what the procedure entailed and how the recovery would be. Then he examined him and ran a few tests to make sure Shepard was otherwise healthy.

“Fuckin’ awesome,” Shepard groaned the moment he was out of the office.

“This’ll be over soon,” Kaidan said, placing a hand on his back.

“Yeah. I’ll heal quickly at least. Perks of being half-synthetic now. Come on, let’s find stuff to blow up with our biotics.”

Kaidan grinned and followed him. He was glad Cal was trying to be in a better mood. Slowly but surely, things were improving and Shepard was gradually getting better. Kaidan was relieved and he just hoped nothing happened to mess with his recovery.


	7. Chapter 7

“I’ll see you soon,” Kaidan said.

“Yeah, yeah. Come here and bid me farewell.” Shepard grabbed the front of his shirt and dragged him down. Kaidan kissed him and stroked his hair until the nurses and doctor came in, and even then Cal didn’t let him pull back right away.

They went over things one last time before Shepard was being wheeled away to the operating room. Kaidan wandered back to the waiting room, sending Anderson a message on his omni-tool to let him know what was up.

He sat alone most of the time and waited, the surgery wouldn't take that long. The admiral was able to take a small amount of time away from work to join him. They talked for a little while but Anderson had to return to work before Cal was out. Alone once again, Kaidan’s eyes occasionally flitted to the people entering and leaving the waiting room but other than that, he kept to himself.

~~~~~

Shepard slowly started to wake in the hospital room. His eyes peeked open, immediately squinting until he was used to the harsh white lights. His memories returned as he glanced around. He was tired and part of him felt nauseous. After taking a few minutes to regain himself, he found the button to call the nurse.

She and the doctor entered the room. They looked him over and asked him questions, administering pain medication through the IV. Once it began taking effect, he felt himself drift back into a state of semi-unconsciousness. He wasn’t sure how long he was out for but when his eyes opened a second time, he felt less groggy. He looked over as the doctor returned and realized the sliding door was probably what woke him.

“How are you feeling?” the man asked.

“Not quite as terrible, not as nauseous,” he answered.

“The nausea is expected. Lawson wanted to speak with you when you woke, just to ensure everything went alright.” A partial lie, but the doctor knew it was the only way the Alliance would allow Shepard to speak to her.

“Okay, good.”

The man set up the comm for him then left the room to give them privacy. Probably pointless since he knew the Alliance would listen in but he still appreciated it. Miranda was already waiting for him when she appeared on the screen.

Cal smiled tiredly. “Hey, you,” he murmured.

“Hey, Shepard,” Miranda greeted in return. “You’re a sight for sore eyes.”

“Not the only thing that’s been sore.”

“I know. How are you feeling?”

“Exhausted. But they're pumping me full of meds to keep the pain away. I’m surprised the Alliance let my doctor contact you.”

“Trust me, I was too. I thought it might be bait, but he said your leg was injured so I took a chance. I remember that tumble you took at the base.”

“Heh, more than a tumble. I appreciate it.”

“How’s it been since you returned to Earth? Seems like they’re holding you hostage.”

“For my _protection,_ ” he grumbled. “From Cerberus. And somehow that requires relieving me from duty. It’s been...” _Terrible._ He almost wanted to ask if she or Jacob suffered from nightmares or crippling anxiety. “Let's just say I’ve had better days.”

“They’re not being too rough, are they? Have they forgotten all you've done? You’re still Commander Shepard.”

“Nah, not anymore I'm not. Just Cal, the former Cerberus boy now. They gave me an apartment at least, instead of banishing me to the basement. It's a nice place—no cameras, that was the first thing I checked. And they keep tabs on everyone I talk to and everywhere I go and I’m not allowed to carry a weapon. I also have meetings that are more like interrogations with Alliance officers. We go over my time working with the Illusive Man and what the...what the Collector base was like. Can you believe they give me one hour of free time a day? I usually spend that playing in the park.”

“Damn. It sounds like hell, you look it too. And you know I don't mean from the surgery.”

He sighed and glanced away for a moment. He and Miranda had become friends these last few months but talking about this stuff was hard to do even with his own boyfriend. “Stressed is such an understatement. Earth is sitting on its ass and it’s frustrating as fuck and here I am...just...”

“You can talk to me, Shep.”

He wondered if it was the stress of it all, or the drugs from the surgery, or what that made him want to tell her despite how uncomfortable it was. “After the Collector base...it's been rough. I’m not fit for duty right now. But I'm not alone. Kaidan's been spending a lot of time with me, we made up.”

Her eyebrow rose at that. “As in Staff Commander Alenko? The boyfriend you argued with on Horizon?”

“One and the same. He showed up at my door about a week after I came back. We fought, I was still angry at him, but we eventually made up. ”

“And he's been helping you through this?”

“Yeah. He really has.”

“I'm glad then. I saw how upset you were when we left Horizon.”

“He was totally a bitch then but having him back is the one bright spot in all this mess. The doctors should be letting him in soon. What about you? How are you and Jacob doing since you left?”

“The Illusive Man wasn't too happy but I think he suspected this would happen. Jacob's dropped off the radar. Think he mentioned the Mediterranean.”

“Sounds about right. I was able to contact him right when I first got here but there's no way now. Do you know what the Illusive Man's up to?”

“Playing around in what’s left of the Collector base. I hear there's been problems within the ranks. People who were under my command are upset.”

“Really? Why?”

“They think I'm a traitor to the human race. Hated how many aliens were on your crew.”

“Xenophobes in Cerberus? Who’d have thought?”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Are you safe?”

She laughed. “Are any of us?”

“Good point.”

“...I’m glad I got the chance to talk to you, Cal.”

“You better. I’m your gay bff.”

She rolled her eyes but smiled. “Largely at your insistence.”

“Oh, you wound me. And I was just about to say how much I liked talking to you too.” He glanced up when the door opened and the doctor walked in. He also caught glimpse of an Alliance uniform standing outside. “Guess my illusion of freedom is over, time to shove me back into the bubble.”

She sighed. “Fine. You better keep off that knee for a couple weeks and use your damn crutches. As much as I want to talk to you, I don’t want it to be because you’re injured again.”

“Ugh, yeah yeah, I know.”

“Good. And...take care of yourself, yeah?”

“I will. I am. One step at a time.”

She nodded. “Now stay out of trouble, dammit.”

“Ha, you too, Miranda. Shepard...out.”

The screen went black. He just stared down at the thin sheet covering him until the doctor said Kaidan was on his way. He arrived a minute later.

“Hey, how you feeling?” Kaidan asked, rushing to his side. He heard the door slide again and assumed the doctor left. “You need anything?”

“Nah. I don't feel a hundred percent but they're giving me loads of painkillers. Cybernetics and stuff, guess I need extra.” He yawned. “They let me talk to Miranda.”

“I heard. How’s she doing? Is she okay?”

“For now, yeah. Some of those Cerberus goons hate her for being pro-alien now. I'm sure they blame me for that.”

Kaidan frowned. “And the Illusive Man?”

“Fucking off in the base.”

He looked down and lifted the sheet. “Did the doctor say when you’ll be released?”

“This evening I think. If it's dark, I suppose I can just close my eyes and plow through the halls as fast as my wheelchair can.”

“With me on the back?” Shepard nodded and he laughed. He reached over and pushed a strand of hair away from Cal's eyes.

“Do you like my hair like this?”

“I do. A lot.”

“Mm, so do I. Fuck a haircut then.”

His eyes closed and Kaidan settled in next to him on a chair. He was grateful to see Shepard nearly asleep and resting. And then they heard voices. Cal's eyes lazily opened and Kaidan felt a spike of anger. A person stood outside his room and they were very obviously yelling at someone else.

“Is that the guard?” Cal grumbled. “Tell him and whoever he’s fighting with to shut the fuck up.”

Kaidan stood with a huff, intending to do just that. When the door slid open, Shepard recognized one of them. “Andrews!” he growled.

But the kid was already staring at him with wide eyes, mouth clamping shut as soon as the door opened. It was mostly the way he looked, but in that moment, he reminded Cal of Ryan so much that his heart hurt.

“C-Commander!” he stammered. “I-”

“Tell your friend to come here too.”

Andrews glared at the other person stepping into view. “Shepard,” he grunted. He definitely didn't hold the same opinions about Cal that Andrews did.

“He just had surgery. Why the hell are two fighting outside when he's trying to rest?” Kaidan demanded to know. Cal noticed that Andrews at least had the decency to looked ashamed.

“I’m trying to do my job,” the unfamiliar guard said, “and this kid decided to start a fight.”

“Yeah, because-” Andrews began angrily. But Shepard held a hand up.

“Look, my shift’s over. He's on the clock so if I can go, you won't hear a thing more from me.”

“Then begone!” Shepard said dramatically. The guard rolled his eyes as he turned around so Cal added, “Bye, cunt.”

The guard noticeably paused for a moment but then kept walking. Despite his obvious dislike for the man, he knew better than to mouth off to him.

Shepard caught himself glaring at the now unoccupied spot on the ground. Half the Alliance hated him, thought he was some sort of evil traitor, thought every word out of his mouth was a lie to cover up his horrible deeds with Cerberus. Well, he never asked to be put in this position. He never wanted to lead, never actually wanted to join the Alliance when he did at seventeen. But he did all of it. He made the tough decisions that nobody else wanted to. And now they had the audacity to question him for it, after everything he'd done for the galaxy.

“I’m sorry, sir,” Andrews apologized.

“It’s fine,” he sighed. “Just don’t do it again, okay?”

“I won’t. I never meant to disturb your rest.”

Shepard beckoned the boy to step inside the room fully while Kaidan sat back down.

“I-I really should stay in front,” he said. “My post is-”

“Come on. You owe me, I think.” It was a joke but it got Andrews inside.

He stood just in front of the door, looking like he felt incredibly awkward. “Commander?”

“Just Shepard, remember?”

“Of course. Sorry, Shepard.”

“So what were you two arguing about?”

“Oh, um...” His eyes shifted to the ground. “You.”

“Figured. What about? That I’m an evil yet handsome Cerberus spy? That I’m a devilish alien lover?”

Andrews grinned a bit. “More or less. And...”

“Tell me. I guarantee that I've been called much, much worse.”

He shrugged. “Just that you’re crazy, brainwashed by Cerberus, and making things up so you can take over the Alliance.”

“As if I don’t have better things to do! Well, thank you for defending my honor, even if it was at the expense of my sleep.”

“...Do either of you need anything?”

“We’re good, Andrews. Thanks.”

He nodded then returned to his post outside the room. Once he was gone, Shepard turned his attention to Kaidan. “You see why I abuse the guards now?” he asked.

“Yes,” he said, resting his head on the bed. “Andrews doesn't seems bad though.”

“He's a good kid. But he's the only one.” He yawned and closed his eyes again.

“Sleepy?”

“Mhmm.”

Once Shepard was more awake and able to eat without vomiting, the hospital released him. A new guard escorted them to the apartment. Andrews' shift was over but Shepard talked to him again before he left. The medication they gave was wearing off but it still made him drowsy and he barely paid attention as Kaidan pushed his wheelchair through the halls. He turned the lights on as they went to the bedroom then carefully helped Cal settle into bed. Kaidan laid down with him for a while before Cal asleep. Kaidan let him rest after that, leaving the nightlight on as he went into the living room alone.


	8. Chapter 8

The next couple weeks were mixed for Shepard. His knee was healing without issue, the implants integrating with his own tissue again. His doctor was amazed by the entire process. Mentally, he felt like a roller coaster. For an entire week, he even stopped looking out at night. Kaidan worried he was sinking further into depression and wondered if he’d get better once he healed physically or if this was the sign of something worse. His time was divided by taking care of Shepard and giving him space.

“Do you want to go outside?” Kaidan asked.

“Yeah. Can you get my coat? I fucking hate the cold,” Shepard grumbled.

“I know. I remember Noveria.”

Cal hated everything about that stupid planet. Once he slid into his coat, he used his cane to make it to the wheelchair. He mostly stuck to his cane now but for longer excursions like this, he didn't want to risk a new injury.

“I have another Alliance interrogation at the end of the week,” Cal mentioned as they went to the elevator. He didn’t even bother messing with the guard and just ignored her completely.

“It's been a while.”

“Yeah, they held off because of my surgery. I don't see the point anymore. I'm just repeating myself now.”

“Have they said anything about letting up?”

“No. Part of me feels like they’re still testing me to see if I’m plotting evil with the Illusive Man, see if I slip up or crack.”

Kaidan put a hand on his shoulder. “You’ll get the Normandy back.”

Cal wasn’t so sure of that.

In the middle of the night, Kaidan woke up to an empty bed. His eyes darted around and he saw Shepard standing in front of the open window. His head was down though, like he was staring at the ground. Kaidan pushed himself out of bed and moved behind him.

“A nightmare?” he asked.

“Yeah. Thought I’d feel better if I scared myself some more.”

“Are you scared?”

He shrugged. “My knee just hurts too much to move.” When Kaidan reached over to close the curtain he said, “Leave it, it's fine.”

Cal sounded more sad than scared right now. He continued, “I’m so fucking tired of this. Sitting around is the last thing anyone should be doing.” He leaned into the body pressed against his back.

“I know. I know you’re frustrated. I don’t understand what’s going on with these people either. Why they're so... _adamant_ about ignoring everything.”

“Maybe I just...I don't know. Try even harder to stress the danger. I don't fucking know.”

“I think the best thing you can do right now is focus on recovering. And once that happens, we’ll find the old crew and steal back the Normandy.”

That got a chuckle from Shepard. “Just like old times, yeah?”

“Exactly.”

“I love you, Kay. Thank you for being here.”

“I love you too. Always.”

Even if Shepard was incredibly hard on himself, Kaidan was proud of the progress he was making. “You know...we could try going outside one night.” He felt Shepard tense immediately.

“I-I don’t know. I’d hate to waste my only hour of free time on that...”

“Maybe we can work something out.”

“Yeah. We’ll talk about it tomorrow.” He tilted his head when lips brushed against his neck then they continued to watch over Vancouver together.

~~~~~

Kaidan had every intention of going with Cal to his meeting on Friday. But when Shepard finished his shower and walked into the bedroom, the curtains were closed and his boyfriend was laying on the bed.

“Kaidan, what's-”.

“Migraine,” he said. “It's okay, I was just laying down before we went.”

But Cal put a hand on his chest when he tried to sit up. “Do you want me to get you anything?”

“No, I already took something for it. Come on-”

“No, don't even worry about that. I can go alone, it's fine. I'd rather you stay here and rest.”

“...Okay. I'll see you in a bit then.”

Cal leaned down to kiss him and Kaidan held him close an extra few seconds. “I'll be back soon. Call if you need anything.” Shepard left him alone to rest, grabbing his cane and heading out. His knee still hurt when he walked on it unsupported for more than a few minutes and the cold seemed to aggravate it too. Just one more thing to add to his very long list of irritations. Anderson met him in the main hall and he was grateful to see his friend there.

“You're looking good,” the admiral said.

“Well, I was Cerberus' sexiest commander.”

“Ha, I believe it. How's the knee?”

“Better. Doctor's fascinated by my implants.”

“Naturally. I see you're alone today.”

“Kaidan got hit with a migraine so I told him to stay home.” He stretched and felt his knee twinge painfully. “Ugh, guess it's time to go in.”

The Alliance was extremely interested in the Collector base that day. Again. They smacked him with numerous questions on just how he defeated all the hostile aliens thrown at him.

“Nothing's changed,” he said through tight lips. “Once again, I set the reactor to emit a radiation pulse killing anything alive in the base. Then we got the hell out before it killed us too.”

“And yet, we still can't get a straight answer out of you. It's our understanding that you were to overload their systems and destroy the entire base. Yet that didn't happen.”

“I don't see how I can possibly be any clearer. That was the original plan. Last minute, the Illusive Man messaged me about the radiation pulse. An overload would've destroyed all the data the Collectors had as well.” He was trying very hard to keep his annoyance in check but it was getting very, very difficult.

“So you decided it would be better to leave it with _Cerberus?_ ”

“Than gone completely? Fuck yeah, I did!” he snapped, hand slamming against the table. “We couldn't afford to throw that information away! Just because you, and the Council, and everyone else wants to bury their heads in the sand, doesn't mean that I'm gonna. We need to prepare. And instead of that, you took my ship, stripped me of my rank, and kept me prisoner on Earth. I'm no longer working with Cerberus but goddamn, maybe I should hook back up with the Illusive Man. At least he understands the danger we face.”

“Commander Shepard, you are-”

“I'm not a commander anymore, remember?”

“That's enough for today,” the officer growled. “Shepard, we'll continue this when you're feeling more like an adult.”

His eyes narrowed and an insult sizzled on his tongue but Anderson intervened. “Shepard, come on. I want to talk to you,” he said.

He glared at the board but finally nodded, grabbed his cane, and followed Anderson out of the room. Cal knew he wasn't acting childish. He was angry—rightfully so—and his behavior reflected that. He was a spectre, former spectre, and yet they didn't listen to a single word he said. Shepard didn't have the time or patience to act polite towards people who were going to get them all killed.

“You're frustrated,” Anderson told him. “I get that, really I do. But fighting with them won't get us anywhere.”

“No, but it makes me feel a little better. They're gonna get us killed, at the very least I wish I could yell more at them.

“I'll go back in there and talk to them. Where are you headed? Home?”

“I don't know. Might go for a walk. I don't want Kaidan to stress out when he sees me seething.”

“Call me if you need anything.”

“Yeah, okay. See ya and...thanks.”

“I'm on your side, Cal.”

They parted ways and Shepard stepped into the bright hallway alone. He stretched his arms, trying to will all his anger away. Not too far away, he saw two guards talking quietly amongst themselves. He would've paid them no mind if one hadn't looked up, made eye contact, then sneered something to his friend. Cal's eyes narrowed and he recognized him—the guard who fought with Andrews the day of his surgery. He walked towards them, he needed to go that direction anyways, and heard his name. 'Cerberus' and 'alien lover' were also sprinkled in there.

“Hey, I realize I'm probably the most interesting thing in your life,” Shepard said, “but it's rude to talk that way about your superiors.”

“You're not my superior,” the guard growled. “I'll never answer to some alien lover.”

Shepard shifted his weight to his good leg to get in his face but was stopped by laughter.

“Look at you, you can't even fucking walk.”

“I got this injury at that goddamn Collector base! Me and my crew destroyed the creatures abducting entire colonies. What the fuck were you doing here on Earth besides jerking off?”

“I was remembering that I'm still human instead of protecting aliens over my own kind.”

Shepard was disgusted—but not surprised—by his ignorance. “You're an idiot. Suck my dick, you cunt.”

“Wouldn't you rather some turian did instead?”

And then Cal's knee suddenly didn't bother him so much because the next instant, the guard was shoved against the windowpane. All of Shepard's body weight and the arm across his throat kept the guy from moving. His biotics activated and Cal's fist raised with every intention of punching him in his smug fucking face but hands seized him by the shoulder and yanked him off. For a moment he thought it was that second guard but then he heard, “Shepard, just go.” He turned around and looked at Anderson. “Rodriguez, with me.” He gave Shepard a stern look when he didn't budge. “Me and everyone in the whole damn hallway heard.”

Shepard wished he would've arrived just a few seconds later. But he snatched his cane and stalked away, anger and adrenaline aiding in a speedy exit. Fuck every single person who'd rather bury their heads in the sand than actually do something. His fist slammed against the call button and he breathed out harshly. He definitely couldn't return to Kaidan like this. He'd sense his anger immediately.

He decided to use his free time to head to the grocery store down the street. He bought a water bottle from a vending machine and popped some pain pills before making the trek. The least he could do was buy some things to cook a nice meal for Kaidan, like he'd done so often for him.

Exactly one hour later, Cal returned to the building with a bag full of items. He ignored everyone and made a beeline for the elevators once he made it through the scanners. The guard on his floor looked at him but averted his gaze the moment Shepard glanced over. He didn't care, he just wanted to get home and spend the rest of the afternoon with his boyfriend.

Kaidan was on the couch and he was relieved to see him out of bed. “Hey,” he said and kissed him. “How you feeling?”

“Head still hurts but it's fine. Really,” he added when Shepard gave him a look. “How'd the meeting go?”

“Boring, I still hate them. I went to the store after, picked up some groceries so I can cook for you later.”

“You? Cook?”

“Don't be an ass.”

“Don't worry, I'll leave that to you.”

Shepard put the food away then joined Kaidan on the couch. He leaned into Cal's arms and they sat there for a few minutes and he felt the last of his anger fade away. At some point in the day, he expected a chastising comm call, instead he got Anderson sending him an 'I'll see you tomorrow.' He chose not to tell Kaidan about it—not yet anyways. It would ruin the mood for the meal he planned.

The message pinged on his omni-tool while he chopped vegetables. He grumbled a little but then returned to his task. It didn't take long before a pair of arms wrapped around his waist and teeth nipped at the back of his neck. “You're distracting me,” he murmured but it was obvious Shepard didn't mind as he pushed back into the contact.

“Am I now?” Kaidan said smugly.

Cal's hands went to the counter and he rolled his hips. The more he ground against Kaidan, the more and more he needed him. He turned around and they kissed deeply, lips moving frantically and hands grasping for anything in reach. But Kaidan was still holding back, he could feel it, and he wondered if it was out of concern for his knee or because he still felt guilty about Horizon. Shepard really hoped it was the first thing—convincing him his knee was okay would be a lot easier.

“I want you, Kay,” he whispered. He needed to feel Kaidan like he had so many times in the past.

“I know, I feel the same. It's just...your knee. It'd kill me if I re-injured you.”

Relief smacked Cal. “I'll be fine, I promise. I'll tell you if anything hurts.”

Kaidan gazed at him before he smiled. Shepard was about to say something incredibly dirty but then the shrill sound of the over timer pierced the air instead. Kaidan chuckled and pulled back. “I should let you finish. Better if you don't burn the food.”

Cal grinned but disappointment filled him. A hand brushed his hip as Kaidan went to sit down and he interpreted that as _'Later.'_

When the couple sat down with an entire meal between them, Cal almost felt normal. An enormous burden had forced itself on his shoulders three years ago and he would've given anything to pass on that responsibility to someone else, someone who wanted it. But at the same time, the situation had given him the chance to actually get the job done, had given him a crew's worth of friends, and most importantly it had given him Kaidan.

All the hardships, every single obstacle, still managed to lead Cal into Kaidan's arms. And when their meal was finished, that was exactly where Cal buried himself.

The move into the bedroom was a slow one. They'd stumble a few steps before Shepard decided a shirt needed stripping or pants an unzipping. When they finally made it, Kaidan's hand fumbled for the light switch. But Cal pulled back and grabbed him.

“Leave it,” he said. They were in complete darkness, only the city lights filtering in from the open curtains.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. I want good memories to think of when I look at the sky.”

Kaidan's hand cupped his cheek before he was kissing him again. By the time they stood by the front of the bed, all their clothes were gone and Kaidan was sucking on the sensitive spot above Cal's collarbone. They tumbled onto the mattress and the only thing in the galaxy Cal cared about was the warm body against his. His hands roamed every inch of Kaidan in reach and revelled in the skin-to-skin contact.

“Please, fuck me, Kay,” he whispered, fingers wrapping around Kaidan's half-hard cock.

His hips thrust against Shepard's fist a few times before he began travelling down his body. So familiar against his hands and his lips yet just a bit different from what Kaidan remembered. All the old scars and tattoos were gone, now he had new ones to trace and memorize.

Cal groaned when he finally made it between his legs, when he pushed them up, when he ignored his dick to instead suck on his balls. His breath quickened when he moved even farther and a wet tongue licked his hole. Kaidan teased and teased him, until he was a whining mess. When he went for Cal's ass vigorously, he moaned out Kaidan's name.

“Th-the drawer. Please, please, Kay.” A finger slid inside him and a tongue lathered around it. Shepard's fingers scratched against his own chest until Kaidan pulled back with a whispered, _“Okay.”_

He crawled to the nightstand and pulled out a brand new bottle of lube. “Didn't know we had any,” he said as he went back to his spot between Cal's legs. “Thought we'd have to use olive oil.”

He laughed and said, “Bought it at the store today. Made sure the guards at the scanners saw it.”

Kaidan grinned and shook his head before opening the bottle. He slid a couple slicked fingers into Cal and dove his head back to tease and nip his inner thighs. His muscles twitched from the teasing and his breath hitched as another finger and another pushed into him. Shepard was extremely impatient and Kaidan was going more slowly than he liked. He wondered if Kaidan could sense it—probably. But when he finally moved up and kissed Shepard, his entire body trembled with excitement.

He saw one of Kaidan's hands disappear and a few moments later felt the push of his cock against his ass. Cal let out a long moan as his body opened up for his boyfriend. Kaidan's hands were clenched in the bed sheets and Shepard closed his eyes and listened to his soft breathing.

It'd been so, so long. But he remembered that as long as it felt for him, Kaidan carried the pain of an extra two years. That stress showed in his face, even now.

“I love you,” Cal whispered in his ear.

He gave a raspy little laugh and said, “I love you too. I really missed you.”

He kissed Shepard thoroughly before he could utter another word and then finally, finally he started to move. His thrusts were slower but deep and Shepard felt nearly overwhelmed. Both their minds were buzzing with old memories and feelings, he knew that. But this was the time to let go and forge new ones.

Kaidan pushed himself up, maybe thinking the same thing he was. Then he grabbed Shepard's legs, kept them apart, and fucked him faster. His hands clawed against the sheets, his back arched, and he let himself moan freely. A small distant part of him hoped those neighbors he hated could hear. He listened to Kaidan's panting, watched his face before his own eyes closed. again

“Oh god, Kay. Fuck me harder-”

And he did. He pounded into Cal's tight hole just like he used too—but Shepard was no longer thinking about the past. His sole focus was the way Kaidan's cock felt, how his own erection strained. “Think you can make me come just like this?” he challenged.

Kaidan grinned. “Wouldn't be the first time. You're practically already there.” But so was he. He leaned over and braced his hands on the mattress, keeping Shepard's good leg spread with his arm and letting the other one fall to the bed. Cal did his best to bend it as far as he could. Kaidan's hips moved almost frantically, trying to drive into him just the way he liked.

Cal knew Kaidan wasn't wrong. He felt oversensitive, not that he was complaining, and this was the best he'd felt since waking up in that Cerberus lab. And then he felt himself let go. His back arched and he spasmed around Kaidan's thick cock as came. “Oh god, Cal,” Kaidan groaned as he kept moving. Shepard looked down, ran a couple fingers across his stomach, and licked the cum off them. Kaidan sucked in a large breath as he watched then he buried his face against Shepard's neck and came inside him.

Something was muffled against his neck but Shepard was only able to hear his name. His legs quivered when Kaidan pulled out and he rolled onto his side when he settled next to him. Shepard reached his hand out in the space between them and Kaidan held onto it.

“How's your knee?”

“It's fine,” Cal told him. His eyes drifted to the big open window. The starry expanse outlined Kaidan, made him look like a painting, and he wished he could take a picture. His heart raced and he knew a lot of it was in response to the darkness but...he felt okay. A long journey still stood between him and his old self but for now he felt fine.


	9. Chapter 9

Cal woke late in the morning with his face half-pressed into Kaidan’s chest. He yawned and closed his eyes again, the other man was still asleep. He didn’t feel like doing anything today except lounging in bed with his boyfriend. That was exactly his plan until he remembered Anderson’s message from yesterday.

“What a buzzkill,” he whispered. He felt arms tighten around him after a couple minutes.

“Morning,” Kaidan mumbled.

“Mm, morning.” Cal slid on top of him, legs straddling the older man’s hips and grinding down. “I wanna ride you,” he murmured. Hands caressed his thighs until they were squeezing his ass.

“But your-”

Shepard quieted him with a kiss. “As soon as my knee starts hurting, we can flip over and you can fuck me into the mattress.” He grinned when Kaidan’s dick twitched. He leaned over to grab the lube left out on the nightstand. Sex with Kaidan was good. He held back a grin when he suddenly remembered the time he fucked Cal in an alley on the Citadel.

Kaidan let out a quiet moan when Shepard finally sank down on him. He couldn’t help the way his hips moved to meet his boyfriend’s thrusts. Cal looked so beautiful to him. And when the younger man’s legs started quivering and he told Kaidan he was getting sore, Kaidan rolled them over and thrust deeply into his warm body until they both came.

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Kay.”

They allowed themselves to be lazy a little while longer before getting out of bed to shower and dress for the day. Kaidan was already in the living room when Shepard made it out of the bedroom.

“Anderson’s coming by soon,” Cal finally told him.

“Why? You don’t sound too thrilled.”

“I _might’ve_ almost decked a guard in his ugly face yesterday.”

“What?”

“Remember that kid, Andrews? It was the other guard he was arguing with in the hospital.”

“Tell me why.”

“I guess I was still mad about the meeting. They questioned my decision to save the data from the base! Fucking idiots would rather have it destroyed. How fucking dare they criticize me! Then they dismissed me like a child when we got into it. When I left, that guard saw me and sneered something to his friend. Apparently I’m just a filthy alien fucker according to every xenophobe here. I shoved him up against the wall and was gonna punch him in the face but Anderson saved him in the nick of time.”

“Then what?”

“Sent me off with the promise of seeing him tomorrow. I think he took the guard back to his office. It was all very dramatic.”

Kaidan sighed. “You can’t just go around hitting people. We’ve had this conversation before.”

“They deserve it! He deserved it, Kay!”

“I know that. Really, I do. But-” He watched as Shepard roughly ran a hand through his brown hair—a tick he’d always had—and then he just...growled. “Come here.” He repeated the words when Cal didn’t listen. But he opened his arms and wrapped Cal up when he finally did crawl over.

“I lost control,” he quietly said against Kaidan’s shoulder. “I wanted to fuckin’ beat him. I still do. I’ve been so angry since I came back to Earth.”

“You know what I’m going to suggest.”

“That we beat that guy up?”

“Heh, close. Have you given therapy any thought?”

“Way to kill the mood,” he sighed.

“There are ones who specialize in trauma and anger management. Even if you try to hide it, I know you’re still having a lot of nightmares. You’ve been doing so well, Cal. I’m so proud of you, and they can help you heal even further.” He stared at the younger man, Shepard’s gaze was stuck to the ground. “You said you’d think about it. Have you?”

“Does thinking about how much I don’t want to go count?”

Kaidan was going to respond when the doorbell buzzed. “I’ll get it.”

“Kaidan. I hope my visit isn’t a surprise to you,” Anderson said when the door opened.

“Nah, I’ve known for at least ten minutes.”

“What?” Shepard said when Anderson gave him a look. “He and I were busy yesterday, I didn’t want to kill the mood with that junk.”

“Oh god, you’re impossible.” Once everyone was sat down, he continued. “So, you want to tell me what that was yesterday?”

“I was gonna bash his head in. What’d you do to him?”

“He’s suspended for a few days. Why couldn’t you just sass him? You’re good at that.”

“Because! You both know I don't want people worshiping me, but I've saved these people twice now so I think I at least deserve to limp back home without getting sneered at and insulted. Haven’t I earned that much?”

“I agree he was completely out of line. The cameras caught everything. But punching Alliance guards will complicate things more. You’re already on thin ice with the board.”

“Oh, they can all drop dead. They ask for my expertise with the reapers and with Cerberus yet dissect my every move and treat me like a criminal and ignore everything I try to tell them. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I-I just...they make so fucking mad!”

“Is that the only thing making you angry?” Kaidan asked.

“They certainly don’t help.”

“Shepard,” Anderson interjected. “They aren’t going to change anytime soon. And yeah, it’s messed up that people here are giving you so much trouble. I'm trying to help where I can. They’re scared and they’re taking it out on someone who worked for the enemy. I’m not saying they’re right, I’m just saying how it is. You can’t control them. You can only work on yourself.”

“That's not _fair._ I never wanted to be put in this position. I-I never asked for any of this, I...” Shepard's head fell into his hands and he stared at the table. The other two exchanged glances before Kaidan scooted closer and put a hand on his back.

“Cal...” 

“I’ll go to therapy,” he grumbled.

“We’ll find you the best one out there. It wont' be bad, I promise.” Kaidan was relieved and he knew Anderson was too. If Shepard just tried this out...Kaidan hoped—he believed—that this would help him recover. He hoped Cal would soon believe that too.

~~~~~

It took a few days but with the help and direction of his doctor, Shepard found a therapist who seemed able to handle the issues he dealt with. He was skeptical about it all but he was desperate. They scheduled him an appointment the next day—a perk to being famous, he thought dryly. 

The next twenty-four hours ticked by entirely too quickly for Shepard. Before he knew it, he and Kaidan were leaving to the apartment to head to the hospital, where the 'mental health services' were. He had asked Kaidan to come with him, stay in the waiting room until he was called in. Then he could leave, but Cal needed him for those moments before.

Shepard noticed there were two guards talking at the usual post. “Andrews!” he called. The boy smiled when he saw him and walked away from the other guard. “What brings you here? Not stalking me, right?”

He looked completely embarrassed. “I-I heard what happened and wanted to see how you were doing.”

“Relax, I'm joking. Hell, swing by the apartment any time you want. Kaidan and I could use the company. And I'm fine, thanks. I'm sure everyone knows what happened.”

He nodded. “News spreads quickly around here.”

“Alright, lay it on me. What's everyone saying?”

“Oh, um...”

“I've told you before, I can handle it.”

“They're saying that you punched him for being pro-humanity. Just...went up and decked him. Because you're violent and out of control.”

“I think what might be funniest thing is that everyone accuses me of being both a Cerberus spy _and_ an 'alien lover,' as if that part's a bad thing. Whatever. Do you know when he's coming back?”

“I'm not sure. Tonight or tomorrow morning I think. I'll speak up and defend you when I hear stuff like that, Shepard. Oh, um, not that you need _me-_ ”

Shepard held his hand up and smiled. “I appreciate you sticking up for me, Andrews. Thank you.”

He practically beamed. “You two look like you're on your way somewhere. I'll get out of your way.”

“Yeah, I got a doctor's appointment. I mean it though, kid. We should hang out sometime.”

“I...would love that, Commander.”

“But on the condition you remember to call me by just my name.

The couple got onto the elevator and Kaidan made a comment about him seeming like a nice kid. “Better than everyone else here. Maybe I'll tell my therapist about all the meanies,” Cal laughed, though he was not in a jovial mood. His plan was to charge through this ordeal and try not to hate it so much.


	10. Chapter 10

Shepard had been to a few therapy sessions, one every week, and he didn’t want to talk about them. Kaidan never pushed. He’d yet to see any changes—if anything, Cal had more anxiety—but he knew it was going to take time. He just hoped Shepard remembered that too. But then one night he walked into their room expecting the younger man to be in bed already. Instead he found Cal sitting against the window crying.

He went over and sat next to him on the floor, gathering Shepard in his arms without a word. He leaned against the glass, brushing a hand through brown hair and letting Cal cry on him.

“I don’t want to do this,” Shepard whispered. “I don’t want to talk about fighting in the Collector base or working with Cerberus or what I remember just before getting spaced. I’ve seen so many terrible things in my life, I’ve _done_ terrible things, why now? Why is this happening now when we don’t have any time to waste?”

“I don’t know, Cal. Dying’s a traumatic experience. Thing is, most people don’t live to remember it. These last few years...they have been absolutely terrifying.”

“And everyone’s strong enough to handle it except me.”

“No, that’s not what I’m saying. You’ve been through a lot. You’re the strongest person I know. That doesn’t mean stuff like this never happens to you, it just means that you’ll be able to overcome it when it does. But you have to remember that that's a slow process. Right now we do have time. The best thing you can do is focus on recovering and trust that the steps you're taking are helping you get there.” Kaidan wasn’t sure if Shepard was really listening to him. He hoped so, he hoped some of what he said would get through. Shepard was doing a lot better since that first week on Earth but he still had a ways to go. “I’m with you, Cal. I’ll always be with you.”

Shepard didn’t say anything but he squeezed Kaidan’s hand in acknowledgment. They both stayed quiet for a few minutes before Kaidan spoke up again.

“You need to give yourself credit where it’s due. You’ve come so far since coming back to Earth. You just need a little help taking that next step and that’s okay.”

“Yeah, guess I was pretty crazy when I came back. I mean, I have been since I was a kid but more so a few months ago.”

“I’ve always thought both of us were kinda crazy.”

That got a real laugh out of Shepard. “Perfect fucking Kaidan Alenko? Nah.”

“The only perfect things about me are my hair and my taste in men.”

“Ha! Smooth,” he said, closing his eyes when he felt lips press against his head. He didn’t say anymore after that and Kaidan continued to simply hold him. He didn’t want to do all this, but by now he was a master at doing things he didn’t want to. He held back a scoff, not wanting Kaidan to think he was completely nuts. It was not an exaggeration when he thought fighting hordes of husks was easier than talking to a doctor about his own thoughts.

~~~~~

On the way home from his fourth appointment, he finally talked quietly to Kaidan about what he and the therapist discussed. They were almost to the elevator when the doors opened and two people stepped out. Alliance soldiers—more specifically Rodriguez and some young woman Cal didn’t know. She looked like a damn teenager.

“Hey, Rodriguez!” Shepard said mockingly. “Anderson demote you to babysitter?”

“Go to hell, Shepard,” the man growled, no longer caring about _pretending_ to respect a ‘hero.’

“Suck my krogan-loving dick.”

“Not everyone’s a fag.”

It was then that Kaidan stepped in. “Hey, watch your fucking mouth!” he snapped.

“You should’ve died in that black fucking hole. Humanity would be better off without you!”

“Lock him in a stasis,” Cal murmured. He was surprised when Kaidan didn’t even hesitate.

The woman looked at her companion in shock as he stood temporarily paralyzed. Shepard just sneered before continuing to the elevators, Kaidan right beside him.

“Are you okay?” the older man asked once they were alone.

“Yeah,” he said. “Just wish he would’ve confronted me before my therapy session. Could've vented about that cunt. That was the guy I almost punched, in case it wasn't obvious.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“I think Andrews said he was gone for a little bit after he came back from suspension. Put him on a job or something across town.”

“Looks like he’s back.”

“Yeh.”

Later, after an early lunch, Cal sat on the couch half-watching a cartoon. He flinched when he heard a thump in the kitchen accompanied by a curse. “What was that?

“Hit my knee on the cupboard, sorry,” Kaidan said as he entered the living room. “What time is Andrews coming?”

“In like an hour.”

Kaidan sat with him until the cartoon was over. This wasn’t the first time Shepard’s new friend had visited and Kaidan was glad this guy liked Cal. He needed all the support he could get right now. When the doorbell buzzed through the apartment, he was the one to let him in.

“Do you think he snuck in the beer I asked for?”

“No,” Kaidan laughed.

“I know, he’s such a... _rule follower._ ” But he smiled to himself. Andrews really did remind him of his friend Ryan sometimes.

Kaidan said something to Andrews when the door opened then held up a case of beer. “We were wrong!” He cracked open three bottles for them and put the rest in the fridge.

“You thought I wouldn’t?” the young man asked. “And why not have Commander Alenko bring it?”

“They won't let him because he lives with me,” he laughed and took a swig. “Fuck, it's even still cold. And relax, man. You don’t need to be so formal, especially here.”

“Sorry, I keep forgetting.”

They sat down and soon Andrews was entranced by a story the couple told about their days on the Normandy SR-1.

“The things you guys did are so wild,” the private told them.

“It feels like a lifetime ago,” Cal said. “In a way, I guess it was for me. Har har. How old were you when that stuff happened? Eleven, twelve?”

“Oh, funny. I’m twenty, thank you.”

“Come on, I was close. Did you join the Alliance when you turned eighteen?”

“No, nineteen. You were eighteen, weren’t you?”

“Uhh, sort of.”

The boy chuckled. “What does that mean?”

Cal threw his boyfriend a glance before focusing back on Andrews. “I was seventeen. I lived with my best friend at the time and when he had to go on a year-long mission off world, I ended up homeless. I was scared my old gang would retaliate against me for leaving so I used the last of my money to forge papers and buy a cab to the nearest Alliance building. The rest is history.”

“Wow. They never mention stuff like that on the vids. I mean, I knew you had a rough time growing up but...”

“Yeah. Can't have people knowing the real past of the 'first human spectre.' Whatever, that was all a long time ago.”

Everyone looked at Kaidan’s arm when they heard an omni-tool ping. He pulled up his messages and frowned. “It’s from the Alliance. Weird.”

“What do they want?”

“I’m not sure. Something about an issue with my paperwork but they don’t want to discuss it over a message. They say it's urgent.” He sighed. “Maybe it won’t take long.” He told them bye then left Shepard and Andrews alone.

Andrews took that time to glance around the apartment. It lacked almost any personal touches besides one picture of Cal and Kaidan, armor gone, an arm around Kaidan's shoulders and one around Cal's waist. He didn’t know it, but that photo had been taken on Shepard’s birthday.

“That’s a nice picture of you two,” he commented.

Cal smiled when he looked at it. “Yeah. That was right before we started dating. Like literally two days. Kay...I swear, I’d be so lost without him.” He turned his gaze away from the photo. “What about you? You seeing anyone?”

“No. I was dating this girl for a while but I broke up with her.”

“What happened?”

The kid chewed his lip for a moment. “She didn’t like that I’m bisexual. I was open about it from the beginning and it wasn't an issue at the time but eventually she started...almost accusing me of fooling around with my guy friends. I told her my sexuality doesn't make me a cheater and that I was really offended. But she kept insinuating so I ended it.”

“Huh. She sounds like a twat. You know, Kaidan’s bi too. I’ve...never given it much thought, honestly. It's not a big deal. But I had no idea about you, I usually have an excellent sense about that.”

“Yeah, I, uh, used to get made fun of a lot in high school. The place I grew up in was pretty backwards. We'd all cram together at school to watch news about you. Here you come—being the first human spectre, saving colonies, doing these incredible things. And then some tabloid network broke the news that you and Comm...Kaidan were dating. I still remember my classmates' faces. It-it probably sounds stupid but hearing that, hearing that you were gay and that it didn't stop you from doing anything...” He sighed. “My whole life I’ve been told there's something _wrong_ with me but you ended up helping me a lot, Shepard. I started standing up to bullies and now know that there isn't anything wrong with me. You helped me push through that. You don’t let anyone stop you from doing these amazing things and if I could be just a fraction of the person you are...”

Shepard was stunned. He was confessing that he wanted to be like him? No one had ever said that to Cal before. Even with all his accomplishments, no one wanted to _be_ him. They admired the fact he could make the hard decisions no one else wanted to make, could endure the repercussions afterwards when they called him cold and heartless. This kid who he hadn’t known a few months ago but who'd been following his story for years defended him and maybe even admired him? That touched Cal in a way he wasn’t used to feeling.

“S-sorry,” Andrews stammered. “I’m making things weird-”

“No,” Shepard interrupted. “No, you aren’t. I...thank you. But you...you stand up for people and have this genuine warmth and kindness in you, in a way that my life's ensured I could never have. Never lose that, Andrews. I admire that a lot about you.”

His eyes widened and then he smiled. “Really? You admire _me?_ ”

“Yeah, I do. I’m sure arguing with people who talk about me and being my friend haven’t made you popular. I appreciate it, there’s a definite lack of decent people on Earth. Or at least Vancouver.” He noticed that Andrews’ cheerful mood was brightening his own. “Wanna go grab something to eat?”

“Should we wait for Kaidan?”

“Nah, we’ll be just across the street. He can meet up with us if he gets done quick.”

“Yeah, okay then.”

The pair walked out into the hall together. Shepard laughed at something Andrews said and he was so distracted that he initially didn’t notice the absence of a guard near the elevator. But by the time he did, the doors were sliding open to reveal a single Alliance soldier.

“The fuck are you doing here?” Shepard snarled. Andrews could only stare in confusion as an enraged Rodriguez stomped out into the hallway.

“I’m here because of you!” Rodriguez shouted. “You ruined _everything._ ”

If Shepard were someone else, he would’ve taken a step back. The guy was clearly angry and looking for a fight. Many people who talked to Cal were.

“Fuck off, man. Go back to your hovel and get out of my sight,” Shepard told him.

“You think you’re so fucking tough, acting like you own the goddamn planet. I’m sick of it. You're a blight to the human race.”

“Hey!” Andrews interjected. “You’re talking to the man who saved the galaxy twice now. What the hell have you ever done?”

Rodriguez snapped his fiery gaze to him but Andrews stared right back. “I’m so sick of you too! Always defending your alien-fucking faggot boyfriend. You guys don't deserve to be human.”

Shepard had enough of his rambling. The guy was blocking the way to the elevator so he shoved past him harshly and he stumbled off to the side. But Rodriguez wasn’t done yet as he stared at the commander’s back.

“My sister _died_ because of you! The biggest mistake Lawson made was doing the Lazarus project!” he screamed and his hand darted to his waistband.

Andrews’ eyes widened and he reacted without thinking as Rodriguez reached for whatever was tucked against his back. Cal froze when he heard ‘Lazarus project’—his sister was part of Cerberus. Shepard spun around just as Andrews threw himself between him and Rodriguez. And before he could do anything to stop it, the gun Shepard barely got a glance of went off and shot his friend.

Shepard was thirteen the first time he watched someone get shot and fourteen the first time he shot someone himself. He had used a gun countless times since then. But this one bullet pierced his ears and shook him harder than any other.

Rodriguez stared wide-eyed when he realized what happened and the boy fell to the ground. That half second was all Cal needed. His biotics activated and he slammed Rodriguez so hard against the wall that he almost killed him. But Shepard didn't care about finishing him off once he passed out. He bolted to the bleeding kid on the ground.

“Andrews!” he cried, frantically opening his omni-tool to call the hospital. When he heard the elevators open again he turned, biotics flaring. But then three Alliance officers appeared. Someone must have called because of the shouting, the gunshot. Two of the officers took Rodriguez away as he rushed to tell the paramedics his location. Cal barely heard a thing the third officer, one he recognized, told him. All he could focus on was the tiny rise and fall of Andrews' chest. As he bled on him, Shepard silently begged him to keep breathing.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My apologies for taking so long to update this. I do have a new mshenko fic up though called 'Mayhem' that I'm very enthusiastic about. It's a post-apocalyptic AU, if you're into those

In over thirty years, Shepard had visited many doctors and hospitals. Hell, that was true just in the last few months. Being the one in the waiting room felt awful too. But he wasn't at the hospital right now. He was at home, mindlessly staring at the ceiling from his spot on the bed. Andrews was finally out of surgery yet still on the brink of death because Shepard had been too fucking stupid and arrogant. Just like when he was younger. He should’ve known how the situation with Rodriguez would play out. But no, he thought the guy was just some dumb asshole and that he himself was untouchable. Now a twenty year old kid was paying the price for his mistake.

Kaidan walked in the room to check on him. He sat down on the bed but the younger man didn’t look at him.

“What if he dies?” Cal whispered.

“He made it through surgery. The best doctors in Vancouver are with him.” He searched out Shepard’s hand and held it.

It wasn’t right. Andrews had quite literally been one of the only people on Earth to ever be nice to him. He defended Shepard against the insults hurled behind his back, he was always kind to him, he took a fucking bullet for the man. The galaxy needed more people like him. But what was his reward for selflessness? Being held up in a hospital room not knowing if he’d survive the night. It wasn’t right.

When Shepard was twenty, he remembered being a complete asshole. As a teenager he had been shot at and beaten, was in a gang committing enough crimes to be jailed a lifetime. And nothing this bad ever happened to him. Even when he actually fucking died, things mostly turned out okay. Here he was, completely fine, someone else having taken the hit.

He turned onto his side. His head hurt and he was exhausted. The rest of his day had been divided between pacing the hospital and speaking with Alliance officials. He fought with them, wanting to talk to Rodriguez himself, but everyone forbid it. It was for the better—well, better for the Alliance since they wanted information—because Cal would’ve killed him. The top officers were frantically combing through their personnel on the ground, trying to see if this was an isolated incident or if Cerberus had managed to put plants throughout their ranks. Shepard wondered if they’d find anything.

“It’s not your fault,” Kaidan suddenly said.

“Isn’t it though?”

“The one to blame is the man who pulled the trigger. That’s it.” He knew Cal wouldn’t just shed his guilt so suddenly. But Kaidan thought it important to keep reminding him that he wasn’t to blame for Rodriguez’s actions. He felt terrible for Andrews too, he was just a kid with a big heart. And it was terrifying to think that Cerberus actually had spies hidden in the Alliance, that this guy had probably been lurking since Cal returned to Earth, waiting for an opportunity to strike.

The message sent to his omni-tool earlier was a fake. As soon as he found someone to speak to at headquarters and they figured that out, authorities were called and he rushed back to the apartment. The message initially seemed strange to him. The fact that someone actually hacked the Alliance’s systems to distract him was alarming. The elevator ride took an eternity. When he stepped out and saw Alliance officers, paramedics, and blood, Kaidan’s heart momentarily stopped. Then he saw Cal standing off to the side pale as a ghost, covered in blood, and in shock. But alive. Instead, it was Andrews bleeding out and being taken to a hospital because he bravely threw himself between Shepard and a gun. He was willing to die for Kaidan’s lover and he would never be able to repay the young man for that. All he could do was hope he survived and offer whatever little help he could. He also had to make sure Cal emerged from this okay too. Who knew what effect this would have on his already fragile mental state?

“You should try to get some sleep.”

Shepard let out a short laugh but slowly pushed himself up. He stripped off his shirt and wrestled his pants off then crawled under the blanket. “Are you coming?” he asked.

“Yeah. Give me a second.”

He wanted to make sure the front door was locked and the alarm was set before returning to the bedroom. This was his third time checking. There was new security on this floor for Cal, trained guards that Anderson and other high ranking officials chose themselves, but Kaidan was still nervous about someone coming to ‘finish the job.’ He tried to shake his thoughts before his anxiety got the best of him and went back to where Shepard waited. Cal said nothing when he joined him in bed but curled up next to him and closed his eyes. They both laid awake in silence for a long time that night.

~~~~~

It took Shepard several moments to realize he stood in a hallway. This was near his apartment, by the elevators. He jumped when he saw himself standing a few meters away. The other him was angry and shouting something that sounded like nothing but a garbled mess. He tried to understand the words but then Andrews was standing between his two selves and he looked down. His eyes widened when he saw a pistol in his own hand and he knew what would happen next.

Shepard fought as hard as he could but couldn’t stop his finger from squeezing the trigger. He put a bullet straight through his friend's chest. For a moment Andrews just looked at him in shock, with blood spilling down his body. Then the private collapsed, and Shepard was suddenly on his knees clutching his dying friend.

The real Cal awoke with a start, body shooting up as he shouted something unintelligible. His heart pounded and his blood felt like ice. A nightmare. Except this one he remembered. He glanced over and saw Kaidan looking at him worriedly.

“I’m fine,” he mumbled. He collapsed onto his back and stared through the darkness. Why didn’t he kill Rodriguez when he had the chance? He should’ve crushed his lungs with his biotics.

Just one more thing to add to his list of regrets. Cal didn’t fall asleep for a long time after that. He was terrified of what he might dream of next.

The following morning, he barely picked at the breakfast Kaidan put in front of him, his poor appetite even worse. He didn’t want to be in the apartment, it felt too small and suffocating. But he didn’t know where he wanted to be instead. He couldn’t bear the thought of facing any of Andrews’ family in the hospital. His older sister had been contacted, as well as the siblings' parents.

Maybe he could force his way inside the interrogation room Rodriguez was locked in, get some information out of him. Eventually the Alliance would get desperate enough to let Shepard have a go at him. He looked up at Kaidan when he entered the living room fully dressed. Shepard felt like running. From everything. Part of him wanted to close his eyes and just disappear forever. But these were feelings he’d possessed for years. He closed his eyes anyways and took a few deep breaths instead of screaming.

“Do you want to go to the hospital?” Kaidan asked when he looked up again.

He shook his head.

“I know you want to see him.”

“Yeah, well, I’m the reason he’s there so I doubt his family wants to see me.” He bit his lip. He wanted to know if there was any change in his condition, it was eating at him. “Maybe...you think they might not recognize me? We'll just say we're friends, ask how he's doing, then leave.”

“Yeah, it’ll be fine. Come on.”

They left the apartment together and Shepard watched the new guards stationed at his front door. It made him uncomfortable. As they moved through the halls, Cal noted how tense everyone was. He wondered how many of the people he walked by every day were actually Cerberus spies. Everyone seemed scared of the thought.

Cal heard Anderson's voice just before they entered the small waiting room. But then he stopped when he saw two extra people. One was a tanned skin man and the other was a woman with long blonde hair and features similar to Andrews. She was most likely his sister and she understandably looked upset. The three glanced over and Cal wanted to drop through the floor to hide. Would this woman scream at him? Ask him why he let her brother almost die? Would she ban him from the waiting room?

She walked over and Shepard stood there anxiously. He was shocked when she held out her hand.

“You must be Commander Shepard,” she said.

“Uh, yeah, Cal,” he muttered dumbly as he shook it. “And you’re...”

“Jason’s sister, Alyssa.”

“How is he?”

“He’s doing okay, all things considered.”

Cal was so relieved. They each introduced their partners before she explained getting the call yesterday, how she and her husband came as soon as they could from the other side of the world, and that their parents were on their way from another star system. She knew who Shepard was and knew that he was her brother’s hero.

But then Cal was apologizing and telling her how much he admired Andrews and that he was so, so sorry for what happened. His rambling stopped when she placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Jase called me last week, saying how excited he was just being your friend. He jumped in front of that man's gun because that's the type of person he is. He'll pull through this and the person responsible will rot in prison.”

If he were in her position, Cal wondered if he could forgive himself so easily. Maybe it was something that ran in their family. Anderson had hung in the background and sort of surprised Shepard when he spoke. It took him a second to realize Anderson had to go but first wanted to speak to Cal in the hall.

“Is something wrong?” Shepard asked as soon as they were alone.

“No. His condition is the same,” Anderson said.

“Is he really going to be okay?”

“That remains to be seen but the doctors are hopeful. He's on the right track. What about you, Cal? How are you doing?”

“I don't matter, I’m fine. What about Rodriguez?”

“You do. But that son of a bitch is stubborn, we're lucky to have the information we got. A planned attack that got canceled so he acted on his own.”

“He mentioned the Lazarus project and that I’m the reason his sister died. Was she there when the mechs attacked? Because I was still in a coma when that started.”

“No. She and a few others left the station before the mechs ever attacked. They joined the Normandy's crew to work with Lawson. And then the Collectors came aboard and-”

“I didn’t rescue them right away.” It was a tough decision not saving the crew immediately but he knew it was the right one. They'd been unprepared still. Yes, some people died but everyone would be dead if they flew to the base immediately. He shook his head. That didn’t justify Rodriguez’s actions by any mean but he did understand the man’s anger a little better.

“He’s not some new recruit with the Alliance though.”

“Cerberus probably knew they could exploit his grief.”

“Let me talk to him.”

“Again you’re trying this? Absolutely not.”

“Why not, Anderson?”

“He won't talk to you so what’s the point? Why would we risk you killing our only source of information? Look, this isn’t the time or place to be arguing. Come by my office later if you want to talk.”

“Fine.”

“The officers will probably want to speak to you some more anyways.”

He rolled his eyes. “I already told them everything.”

“I know. Just...go back in the waiting room for now. Talk to the kid’s sister, they’re close.”

“I will. She doesn’t hate me so...”

“It’s _not_ your fault. Now I need to get going.”

“See ya.”

He stood in the hallway for a minute before returning to the others. “Everything alright?” Kaidan asked him.

“Yeah.”

When he sat down, Kaidan and Alyssa’s husband said they were taking a walk to grab some coffee. They asked if the other two wanted anything, each declined, then they were gone. Cal turned to the woman, at a loss for what to say.

“The doctors said we could see him in a little bit,” she said. “He’s still unconscious but I’d still like to talk to him, let him know he’s not alone.”

“Oh. If you want to go in alone-”

“No. I told you, he considers you a friend. He’d like getting a visit from you.”

Silence filled the room once more and Shepard felt uncomfortable. But then Alyssa started talking again and she reminded him of a calmer version of Andrews...Jason. She told Cal stories from their childhood and Shepard talked about how he and Andrews met. Talking like this, sharing stories together, it helped soothe the different pains they felt.


	12. Chapter 12

It’d been days and Shepard still wasn't allowed to interrogate Rodriguez. But the Alliance had at least made one other arrest—someone involved in the original plan. No one else made attempts on Cal’s life but he still had guards following him around. It annoyed him but he wasn’t concerned with that. Andrews was still in the hospital. His condition had stabled out after surgery but he wasn’t fully awake yet.

He and Alyssa kept in contact, he even met the siblings’ parents. He didn’t care for them too much, they gave him a weird vibe. He suspected the feeling was reciprocated. Andrews’ sister said they hadn’t seen him since his high school graduation—distancing themselves ever since they discovered their son was bisexual. Cal instantly hated them after that story.

It was currently mid-morning. Kaidan and Shepard were at a coffee shop across the street from the hospital so Cal could suck down a large cup of coffee. He was exhausted, his bad sleep schedule even worse. “I wanna try seeing Rodriguez again,” he murmured.

“Okay,” Kaidan said, no longer bothering to say it was pointless. Cal always got kicked out by either Anderson or whatever officer happened to be there. A 'simple questioning' would just aggravate the situation and they couldn’t trust Shepard _not_ to kill him. Especially since Shepard said _‘I want to kill that fucker.’_

His omni-tool pinged and he opened the message hurriedly when he saw it was from Alyssa. His eyes skimmed it and then, “He’s awake.”

“Hey, that's great! His recovery’s on track.”

Cal was so, so relieved. But he had no plans to see Andrews. The young man would (rightfully) blame him for what happened, and Shepard's presence would just stress him out. Besides, he'd only be an intrusion on the family. Even if the parents were dicks.

He rubbed at his eyes after finishing his coffee. It didn't do a damn thing for his exhaustion, but he knew nothing really would. He failed to notice his boyfriend watching him. Kaidan found himself doing it often. The guilt and anxiety sure as hell weren't healthy for Cal's recovering mental state and Kaidan wanted to make sure he was okay.

Ten minutes later, they walked back across the street, knowing two body guards kept an eye on Shepard. He hated the constant surveillance—at least before the attack he could go out alone for an hour or isolate himself in his apartment. Technically, he could still do that second bit but he still felt annoyed that someone constantly lurked around. He and Kaidan were both powerful biotics. Now that they were more aware, they could easily handle anything else.

“Do you wanna go to Anderson's office with me?” Shepard asked.

“Yeah, sure.”

When they arrived, Anderson was talking with one of his assistants. The only acknowledgment he gave was a quick glance their way until the conversation was over. “I know you're not here to try and get in the interrogation room.”

“Any new developments?” Shepard asked, ignoring the statement entirely.

He sighed and took the pair behind closed doors.

“So what's the deal?” Shepard asked.

“That second arrest we made? _He_ was placed here by Cerberus about a year ago. They knew Rodriquez was here and that he had a sister, but he never made a move to join himself. And then the second guy filled him in on the plan to kill you once you came back to Earth.”

“Did the Illusive Man call the hit?” Sure the assassination was abandoned but it still surprised him. The agreement was that their partnership wasn't permanent. Besides, Cal gave him the entire Collector base to play in, what the fuck else did he want?”

“Do you think he did?”

“No. I mean, it seems unlikely.”

“We're unsure if this was a rogue cell or not.”

“Give me a minute and I can find out.”

“The Alliance is on it.”

Shepard made a face and looked down at his hands. The other two exchanged a look.

“How you doing?” Anderson asked.

He shrugged. “ _I'm_ fine.” Shepard said nothing more, but Kaidan and Anderson saw the tears that gathered in his eyes before falling onto the table. Anderson was the first to react, and he put a hand over Cal's.

“Hey, son, look at me. Come on.” When eyes finally peeked up, he continued. “This isn't your fault. You didn't ask for this, you didn't know what would happen. And I know you would've done the same exact thing for him.”

He sniffled but nodded.

“You're one of the strongest people I know. But remember it's okay for you to lean on the people who want to help you.”

Kaidan's arm wrapped around him. “We're here for you. I'll always be here for you.”

Cal knew he could be an ass sometimes, but he was so incredibly grateful to have Kaidan and Anderson in his life.

~~~~~

That evening, Shepard put dishes away in the cupboards while Kaidan watched a movie. A buzz from the front door pierced the quiet environment and Cal stomped over annoyed. “Who is it?”he asked over the comm to see if he wanted to be bothered.

“It's Alyssa.”

He opened for her immediately, terrified something bad happened. “Hi, come in, is everything okay?”

“Everything's fine,” she answered quickly to alleviate his fears. “I'll only be a minute.” But she stepped inside anyways when Cal eyed the guards with a frown. “Jase keeps asking for you when he's awake.”

Guilt hit him like a brick. “I thought it best to stay away for a bit, let you guys spend some time with him first. And he's out of it, y'know? He might not really want me there. Better to just wait...” He knew he was rambling but that was what he did under stress. Was he the only one stunned that Andrews wanted to see him? Shepard was probably right, the kid was too drugged up to realize-

“Go see him. Please. He's out of it sometimes, but he's not delirious. It'd really boost his mood, Shepard.”

“Yeah...yeah, I will.”

“Great. Visiting hours end soon,” she said, very much implying that he should go right now. She left after that and Shepard rested his back against the closed door.

“Are you gonna go?” Kaidan asked from the couch.

“I have to,” he mumbled. “Otherwise I'd be an even bigger asshole.”

Kaidan knew it was _want_ to and not _have_ to. “I'll see you later then.”

His head snapped up. “You're not going?”

“I...think it's best for you to go alone. Just talk him, Cal. It'll be good for both of you.”

He sighed. “Yeah.” He grabbed his boots and plopped down on the couch to pull them on.

Kaidan squeezed his thigh. “I'll see you when you get back.” He kissed him and then watched Shepard leave.

Cal dragged himself all the way to the hospital. No matter what anyone said, he just couldn't shake his guilt. Almost as soon as he exited the elevator, he ran into Andrews' parents. They exchanged simple hellos. He knew why _he_ didn't like them, but he had no fucking clue why they didn't like him. He moved on quickly and followed the hallways that would lead him to the actual hospital room. It was easy to spot thanks to the protection stationed out front. Anderson chose these guards himself, much to Cal's relief.

There was a slight hesitance in his step as he went inside. Andrews was hooked to multiple machines. He had a crisp white sheet pulled over his hips and bandages around his chest. His eyes were closed and Shepard assumed he was asleep. He wanted to leave before he disturbed his rest but he couldn't move. It should've been him in that bed.

“Shepard...”

He blinked and realized the kid had spoken and was now looking at him. That got him rushing over.

“Are you okay?” he murmured.

The commander let out a sad laugh. “Really? You're the one asking me that?”

“Where's Rodriguez? He didn't get you did he?”

“He's in jail. Sometimes in an interrogation room. You saved my life, man. I...”

He smiled wearily. “I'm glad you're okay.”

Tears welled in his eyes. “I'm so, so sorry, Andrews,” he suddenly apologized. “I never meant for you-”

“Jase,” he interrupted.

“What?”

“My sister and friends call me Jase.”

How was this kid even real? Shepard tried his best not to actually cry. “Then you gotta call me by my first name too, yeah?”

“Okay, Cal. I was so scared he'd hurt you. I'm happy you're okay.”

He bit his lip. “D-do you need anything?”

“No, my parents just left. I'm fine.”

“Yeah, I saw them when I got off the elevator. Alyssa told me about them and stories when you were kids.”

“This is the first time I've seen them since I was eighteen. Only took a bullet wound!” His raspy chuckle quickly turned painful. “Ah, damn it. Y'know they asked if you were my boyfriend. I dunno if they even know who you are.”

“They're seriously asking that at a time like this?”

“Yeah. I mean, it wasn't the first thing out of their mouths. But it somehow came up. We talk on the phone sometimes. And every time, boyfriend stuff comes up.”

“You told them we were married, right?”

“Ha, of course. Why you do you think they left?” He licked his dry lips and closed his eyes. “Why'd he do it?”

“His sister worked for Cerberus. She was on the Normandy when the Collectors abducted the crew. I didn't go after them right away, it was too risky, we weren't prepared. She was one of the ones who died from my decision. It was supposed to be a planned attack but that got abandoned so Rodriguez tried to do it himself. They arrested one more guy. But that's it.” Andrews was probably on a lot of pain meds. Shepard wondered how much of this conversation he'd remember. “I should let you rest now.”

“Mm, 'kay. I'm glad you came.”

Cal gently placed a hand on Jase's arm. “I promise to come back soon, okay?”

“Good.” He was getting more tired, so Cal whispered him a bye then dimmed the lights and left.

He sent a quick message to Alyssa informing her of his visit, then stuffed his hands into his pockets. He was glad he came. Andrews would recover. Shepard still felt terrible but he was able to take comfort in that fact. He wound through hallways and rode elevators until he was close to his apartment. He was completely alone as he passed the large glass windows framing the darkness of space. On his way to the hospital, he'd been too distracted to truly notice. Right now, his lungs tightened but he took the deep breaths he'd been practicing. No hyperventilating, no deep-rooted fear—Cal was too lost thinking about Andrews to even realize it. He just stood there and stared at the lights and buildings and stars he had watched so many times in the past.


	13. Chapter 13

“Let me talk to him.”

“Okay.”

Shepard’s eyes widened and Anderson’s gaze shot towards the other officer—Smith, if Cal remembered correctly. “Really?” they said in unison.

The woman who attended all of Shepard’s ‘meetings’ on Earth looked very nonchalant about giving him permission for something he'd been begging for since the attack. “You’ll be supervised of course. I’m not foolish enough to think you won’t kill him if I just ask nicely. If you do try to harm him, I’ll have you tossed out on your ass quicker than you can blink.”

“Are we sure that’s wise?” Anderson asked.

“We’ve been at a standstill,” she said. “You know that. Maybe Shepard can get something new out of him before the trial.”

Once he got over his shock, the commander grew eager. He wasn’t happy—not by any means—but this was an opportunity he felt he deserved. “Let me in then.”

“No, you wait here with Anderson. He's the best choice to ensure you don't cause any trouble until I come back.” She ignored the eye roll sent her way.

“You didn’t put up much of a fight this time,” Cal said once he and his friend were alone.

“...We’ve been discussing this for a couple days,” he admitted. “But I didn't think they'd allow it. I’m trusting you, Cal. I know you want to hurt him but please control yourself.”

“I have excellent control. Just leave it to me, I can wring some info out of the fucker.”

As they waited, he sent a message to Kaidan letting him know what was going on. The man was just as surprised as he was and told him to be careful. Anderson was giving him instructions as if he’d never interrogated someone before but Cal was only half-listening. Admiral Smith returned.

“Anderson, can you lead him to the interrogation room and accompany him inside?” she asked. “The entire visit will be monitored and recorded for. Do _not_ kill him, Shepard.”

He had no sarcastic remarks because his sole focus was on that murderous little cunt. He wanted revenge, not for himself but for Andrews. But Cal knew he couldn’t kill him—and he wasn’t quite as reckless and impulsive as people wanted to think. Anderson led him through the hallway and into the room Smith would observe from. A guard unlocked the door and the pair walked inside. Anderson stood back near the wall as Shepard approached the table.

The first thing he noticed were the handcuffs binding Rodriguez to it, then the cut on his lip from an interrogator who probably got a little too rough. Rodriguez met his gaze head-on as Cal sat, not an ounce of remorse in his eyes. They stared each other down, until Rodriguez turned his head with a scoff.

“Is the Alliance getting even more desperate? Sending a washed up commander to talk to me?” he spat.

“My ego’s way too big for you to dent,” Shepard laughed.

“Spoken like a true Alliance pawn. You're all pathetic.”

“You're acting like you never enlisted. We arrested one of your friends, y'know. Got some information out of him. I wonder how many more rats there are.”

He smirked. “You’ll never find _everyone._ ”

“Is there anyone still in Vancouver?”

He shrugged. “It's Vancouver, of course there's more.”

“Look, I'm curious about one thing. Did the Illusive Man order the original hit on me?”

Rodriguez laughed. “Guess you two weren’t as close as you thought.”

“Is that a yes or no?”

“No. But once his business with you ended, he didn’t care what happened to you. You outlived your usefulness. The people that recruited me knew that. They let me into their plan to kill you, they knew I wanted revenged for my sister.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because I'm not ashamed of what I've done. Cerberus is the true hero of humanity, I see that now. You want us to bow down to the aliens. They told me all about Lawson and how you managed to brainwash her.”

“Holy fuck, as if anyone could do that to Miranda. The realizations she had, she came to on her own. Hey, was this worth it? Is it worth rotting in prison?”

“At least your stupid friend got hurt.”

Cal grinned maliciously. “Yeah, but he'll pull through just fine. He's recovering in a hospital bed. Can you say the same for your dead fucking sister?”

Rodriguez yanked on the handcuffs binding him, anger flaring as he tried to get to Shepard. “Fuck you!” he screamed. “You have a lot of enemies, Shepard! It wasn't me but someone will finish the job!”

He shrugged. “Maybe. Maybe by someone who can hold a fucking gun properly.” He shook his head, this calm facade was really taking a toll on him. “I’m done. You’re boring.”

“Your fag boyfriends are wastes of life. Who is it, Alenko? Yeah, I bet someone'll put a bullet through his brain next.”

Shepard nodded, seemingly in agreement, before his composure snapped and he did what he'd been planning this entire meeting. He flew across the table in a blue blur before anyone realized what was happening. His first instinct was to wrap his fingers around Rodriguez’s throat and strangle him. Instead his right hand grabbed the slimy fuck's shoulder while his left hand reared back and punched him square in the chest. He barely heard the crack of ribs with the buzz of eezo and adrenaline spinning in his head but he felt it. Oh yeah, he felt it.

Shepard’s biotics faded as rough hands yanked him off the table. He laughed almost maniacally as he was pulled from the interrogation room. A team of doctors immediately poured in from an opposite door, as if they’d known this would happen.

Anderson hauled him into the next room where Smith and some guards had watched. Anderson was very obviously displeased but really, no one was surprised. Rodriguez was badly injured but he wasn't dead, and that was all they had asked of Cal. He wasn't reprimanded.

“You can go, Shepard,” Smith finally said. “We recorded everything.”

“Come on, son,” Anderson said. “I’ll walk you out.”

The trip into the main hall was silent, Shepard focusing more on the ground ahead of him than anything else.

“Do you feel any better?”

“No,” Cal said quietly. That small taste of revenge brought him no relief. He knew it wouldn’t fix much nor cure Jase, but the pain he dreamt of inflicting on Rodriguez all week only felt hollow in reality.

“Are you going home?”

“I guess. I have therapy later. At least I’ll have something to talk about.”

“No bodyguards, you gonna be alright heading back on your own?”

He laughed, knowing Anderson wasn’t serious. “I don’t like being tailed. I wish they'd go away.”

“I know. Soon.”

He nodded before they parted ways. Shepard entered an empty apartment and wandered into the bedroom to change into something more comfortable. He walked back into the living room and collapsed on the uncomfortable couch. His eyes closed and he pictured the look of terror on Rodriguez’s face when he leapt over the table. Time had slowed just enough for him to see it. A fleeting moment of satisfaction.

Cal began wondering if he had time for a nap when a loud bang from next door echoed through the apartment. His body froze and he forgot how to breathe as his eyes flew open. Cal was forced back to the Collector base, memories of that horrible place taking over his mind. “No,” he whimpered.

He forced himself to take a deep breath and let it out in a quivering exhale.

_Again._

He repeated the action, letting oxygen fill his lungs and making his chest rise.

_One. Two. Three._

On four he exhaled again.

He wasn’t at the base. That wasn’t the sound of scions hurling shock waves at him or a giant praetorian thundering down for a ground attack. There were no guns shooting or dark corridors closing in. No. This was his apartment.

_I’m in the living room._

He forced himself to take stock of the room. He was on the uncomfortable gray leather couch. Beneath him was a light hardwood floor. He mentally moved through the entire room, saying each object and its color until his breathing evened out and his limbs weren’t shaking quite so hard.

He was home.

His eyes slowly closed again. Maybe therapy was working.

~~~~~

After his session and after Cal told Kaidan everything that happened, they headed for the hospital. Alyssa and her husband were meeting them there to could visit Andrews together. That morning he asked for all of them to come. But when Cal got there, he nervously asked if he could go in first.

“I just...wanna talk to him about Rodriguez. If that’s okay. Or-”

“Of course, it's fine,” the woman said. “Go ahead.”

He nodded then walked alone through the hall. He knocked softly on the door before going in. A nurse was just leaving. “I didn’t interrupt, did I?” he asked.

“Nah. She was just changing the IV bag,” Jase answered.

“How you feeling?”

“Not in as much pain as before, but all the meds help with that. A lot of the time I’m asleep, the rest I’m bored. Where’s Kaidan?”

“Out in the waiting room with your sister. I wanted to talk to you for a minute.”

“Is something wrong?”

“No but...they finally let me see Rodriguez.” He saw the boy’s expression darken. Shepard didn't like it, it didn't belong on his bright face. “We talked.”

“What’d he say?”

He shrugged and moved a chair so he could sit by his bed. “Nothing new. Saying I hate humans and love aliens basically. I guess the Illusive Man didn’t call the hit, but he doesn't particularly care if I live or die.”

“He needs a new line.”

“I jumped across the table and biotic punched him in his stupid fuckin’ chest.”

“Did he cry?”

“I hope so. I broke his ribs before Anderson dragged me out.”

“That's one good bit of news.”

Shepard sent the message to Kaidan that they could join. As the five of them talked, Cal realized that while breaking Rodriguez’s bones didn’t make him feel better, this did. Talking to his friend, knowing he was going to heal, those things made him feel better. Knowing that he actually overcame a flashback today—that made him feel hopeful. He didn’t need revenge and maybe, _maybe_ he didn’t need to feel so guilty either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter to go~


	14. Chapter 14

Shepard arched in pleasure, a moan resembling Kaidan’s name escaping his lips as the older man thrust into him. He was close to cumming and his fingers clenched against Kaidan’s back. The room was dark, the only source of light being the stars streaming through the window. Kaidan buried his face against Cal’s neck, mouth working the sensitive spot he knew was there. He felt Shepard tense beneath him and moan as he came. He tightened around the older man's cock and then Kaidan was finishing deep inside Cal.

They shared a kiss before Kaidan slowly pulled out and rolled onto his back. It was late. He watched Cal’s head turn and followed his gaze outside to where a ship disappeared into the sky.

After weeks and weeks of therapy and exposure and multiple ups and downs, Shepard could stare at the night sky and for the most part, control his anxiety. He’d been able to go outside and not fall victim to a panic attack or flashback. Sometimes it still overwhelmed him and he would run back inside, but the progress he was making was amazing and Kaidan was so proud of him.

He was more relaxed now that the bodyguards weren’t around as much. The couple could handle anything else that came their way. People around the building eyed Shepard warily but no one was foolish enough (or had the desire) to even talk negatively around him.

But Kaidan knew that a large portion of his better mood had to do with Andrews, the young soldier willing to risk his life for Cal. He was doing much better—not back to work yet but discharged from the hospital and on his way to a full recovery. He and Shepard had become good friends and Kaidan was glad for that. Cal needed friends here on Earth. It took some time but he had even told Jase about some of the trauma he suffered after the Collector base, how he was struggling with panic attacks and flashbacks. That was a huge step for Shepard and Kaidan took it as just one more sign that Cal, too, was recovering.

They shifted and Kaidan ended up with Cal’s head resting on his chest. He brushed his fingers through the man’s brown hair, his other hand lightly rubbing against sweat dampened skin. He felt Shepard sigh softly against him. Kaidan loved quiet moments like these, always had, since their time on the SR-1.

“I’m scared,” Shepard finally whispered.

“I know,” Kaidan said, holding him. “You’ve made a lot of progress though. Do you feel ready?”

“I don’t know...” But then he changed his answer. “Yeah. Yeah, I do.”

“Tomorrow will be fine. And I’ll be right there beside you.”

He felt Cal relax again. Tomorrow night was a big deal. For the first time since returning to Earth, Shepard was going back into space. It was only a short ride, a quick supply run to one of the Luna bases. The arrangement was set up by Shepard’s therapist as part of his exposure therapy. Anderson was coming along too. An officer did need to be aboard since he was technically still under house arrest but really, Anderson just wanted to support his friend.

“Try to get some sleep.”

“Mhm.”

He’d probably have a nightmare tonight, Kaidan thought as he closed his eyes. They still plagued him and given how nervous he was, Shepard would likely jolt himself awake later on. He placed a kiss in Cal’s hair and they both fell quiet, trying their best to rest up for tomorrow.

~~~~~

After watching Cal pace around the apartment for the better part of the morning, Kaidan suggested they visit Andrews. They left in the afternoon, his sister letting them inside.

“Tonight’s the night, huh?” Andrews asked, shifting in his chair to get more comfortable. He was getting paid disability from the Alliance and his sister handled the rest of the money to rent an apartment while he healed. She'd taken some time off to help him out. But there’d been a week where his parents came up too—Shepard made sure to come around even more those days.

“Mhm, I’m going to the moon,” Cal said, trying to keep his tone light.

“You nervous?”

“...Yeah. A lot.”

“I know you’ll be okay,” Jase told him, sounding like he was completely sure of it. Cal wished he had that confidence.

“If not, I made Kaidan promise to knock me out on the way home.” The man in question just rolled his eyes.

“Ally, can you turn the heat up?” Jason asked. “Are you two not freezing? It’s freezing in here.”

“Biotics run warm, remember? Cuddling with us is like being in a furnace.”

“Wouldn’t mind finding out for myself,” he said with an exaggerated wink.

“Are you high on pain meds?” Cal laughed.

“I’m barely taking any now. I'm just in a good mood.”

“Mhmm.” He grinned, knowing such a bold statement was unlike Andrews. Maybe his own attitude was rubbing off on the kid.

They called for takeout for the four of them. But eventually Shepard wanted to leave to prepare for his trip. Andrews told him good luck and that he was sure things would be fine. Spending time with Jase had relaxed him but when they were gone, Kaidan could see the anxiety seeping back into Shepard’s body. He carefully reached for the younger man’s hand and Cal glanced over at him.

“Wanna go out for a walk? I know you hate the cold but-”

“No, I’d like that right now,” Shepard told him. Kaidan kept the conversation going as they walked, which Cal was grateful for. They still had time before they needed to prepare but he knew that would pass by fast.

~~~~~

“I-I don’t think I can do this,” Shepard breathed.

They were at the docks. Only Kaidan stood close enough to hear, his therapist and Anderson were talking with the captain of the ship. She knew the details already, agreeing long before this moment to let Commander Shepard do what he needed to recover.

“Yes, you can,” Kaidan encouraged. “I know it's scary, but you’re managing your symptoms better every day and me and Anderson are here for you. I believe in you, Cal, and deep down I know you believe in yourself.”

Shepard searched out his boyfriend’s hand and squeezed it. He took a few calming breaths before nodding and slowly moving forward. This was his first time boarding a ship since stepping off the Normandy and he felt a mix of emotions. For a moment he simply took in the familiar environment—not as a recovering PTSD sufferer, but as a commander. But then the weight of the situation closed in on him, like how his mind said the walls were closing in on him.

He focused on breathing and telling himself to remain calm in front of the crew. He asked where Anderson and the captain were and someone pointed them in the right direction. They were in what looked to be a small lounge. There were some couches and a table on the other side. What stood out the most though was the large window covering more than half the wall. It was closed for now but he knew it wouldn’t stay shut for long.

“Commander Shepard,” a woman greeted as she stuck out her hand. “I’m Captain Morris, welcome aboard.”

“Thank you,” he said, shaking it.

“It won't take long to unload the supplies on Luna. You’ll be undisturbed here.”

“I appreciate it.”

“It’s the least I could do. Now if you’ll excuse me, take off will be in fifteen.”

Once she left, Shepard looked at the others for direction. The reality of what was happening sunk in and he was scared. He only had fifteen minutes to back out before he was trapped aboard this ship, unable to escape the metallic walls that felt way too small.

Kaidan could sense what was happening and lightly put a hand on his lower back. “Come on,” he said quietly. “Let’s sit down.”

They faced the window and Shepard’s therapist joined him to go through some breathing exercises. Those and taking stock of his surroundings seemed to be effective techniques for him. When they were done, the therapist stood.

“I’m going to open the window now, Cal.”

Panic welled even though they were still on the ground. He didn’t register Anderson sitting by him until he spoke.

“Breathe, son. We haven’t left yet.”

And for a second he was distracted—he never said it, but he enjoyed when the older man called him ‘son.’ He jumped a little when the pilot announced that the ship was taking off. His eyes were glued to the window that was too big for the room. The darkness in his mind began taking over, the part that said he was pathetic, that he was weak, that he shouldn’t be like this.

_No._

This was another thing his therapist was helping him deal with, this constant self-degradation that did nothing but make him feel worse. No matter what Shepard thought, the fact was that he _was_ battling through serious mental obstacles and needed to take certain steps to overcome them. And that was okay.

 _“Just like a physical wound,”_ the therapist told him. _“You need to treat it slowly and give it the proper time to heal.”_

That line of thinking helped sometimes. It helped in the dead of night when he was feeling absolutely horrible about himself and needed to calm down to get some sleep. The sounds of the engines alerted him to take off and his hand searched for Kaidan’s. As his boyfriend grabbed it, the small degrading voice inside his head kept whispering but he squashed it down. He didn’t need to posture right now, he was safe from judgment from the others in this room.

What he didn’t feel safe from was the massive empty space they were heading into. He didn’t remember the final moments before he died but sometimes his body still jerked and choked for air. As they flew deeper into the abyss, he could feel his lungs tightening.

“Breathe, Cal,” his therapist reminded.

And he did. Because he was safe, in a ship full of oxygen. But they were beyond Earth’s atmosphere now, if anything happened-

No, he couldn’t think like that. It was toxic. This was space, this was familiar, this was his and Kaidan's home.

He looked around and saw three sets of eyes on him. “Uh, what?” Were they talking to him? Did he zone out?

“You’re doing well.”

Much of the ride to Luna was spent quietly, with Anderson and the therapist hanging back so Shepard wouldn't feel crowded. When they finally docked, he still had a perfect view of the galaxy. Now they had to wait for the shipment to be delivered before they could head back to Vancouver. The other two stepped out for a few moments.

For the first time since they left, Shepard stood up. His legs felt wobbly and his stomach fluttered from the adrenaline coursing through him, but he walked to the window. His heart beat a little faster with each step he took. He stared outside, first at the grey moon surface then to the Milky Way’s stars. His hand reached up and touched the cold glass. He was so close, so close to the frigid airless-

He gasped for breath. He needed to be back on Earth. Not here, surrounded by suppressed memories.

“I’ve got you,” he heard whispered in his ear. “Don’t worry, I’ve got you.”

_Kaidan._

This was the man who’d been by his side through everything, who he loved more than anything. He relaxed into the body behind him and Kaidan could feel him trembling. He placed his head on Cal’s shoulder, cheeks brushing as they looked out the window together. Kaidan's arms were wrapped around his waist. They kept him anchored.

“I love you,” Kaidan said. “I’m so proud of you.”

“I love you too. Thank you. For everything.”

Kaidan nuzzled closer to him. They remained like that for a long time—at least it felt long to Cal. It wasn’t until the pilot’s voice came through the intercom again, announcing their departure from Earth’s only moon, that they moved to sit down again. This trip was more than halfway over and he was eager to return home. But his therapist would want to schedule another one of these flights very soon.

He sunk into the stiff couch, eyes drifting to the floor to give himself a momentary break as they took off. The fear never dissipated but as the ship continued its course without any issues, Shepard felt a little more at ease. He was able to hold a conversation with Anderson when he returned to the room, he didn’t have an anxiety attack. It still took longer than he liked but when they finally re-entered the Earth’s atmosphere and Vancouver was in sight, the realization of what he did hit him like a krogan.

He’d gone from drinking himself to sleep every night to confronting his fears and returning to space. He knew he couldn’t command his own ship yet but he would get there. When the time finally came for the galaxy to defend itself, he’d be ready to take charge and lead them to victory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After a year, this story is finally finished! Thank you to everyone who's read, left kudos, and written comments! I appreciate it all


End file.
